Beware the Prelimers

Run for the fens, a plague is coming!

Classics disease early exams Easter Term eloise davies English first years Freshers fun hatred history metaphor prelims PUNTING

A mysterious disease is spreading throughout Cambridge. 

A strange lethargy, loss of appetite for work, and irrational fear of going anywhere near the library (unless a NatSci is present to gloat at) have been observed in a small but significant number of students across the university. The psychological stress of these symptoms is so great that sufferers have been spotted consuming excessive alcohol. It is thought to be a desperate attempt to ease the pain.

Bodies are already laid out all over Jesus Green. Along with picnicking supplies.

Lifeless corpse

Concern is rising amongst the rest of the student population.

“I just can’t understand it,” said one finalist, as he pulled out his last two strands of hair and glugged another energy drink. “I actually saw one of them smiling the other day. This must be true madness.”

A geographer busy putting the finishing touches to his PhD in undergraduate migration patterns reported: “The readings from the how-many-in-the-college-barometers are extremely worrying. We have all come to expect a reading of 0, but suddenly it seems to have shot up to about 10-20 per college. We’re not completely certain who these people are, but it is certainly not behaviour we would class as normal for the season. They must be thoroughly examined.”

The problem, however, seems to be that they have been examined already. Latest reports indicate a breakthrough identifying sufferers as ‘prelim students’.

A medic explained the diagnosis: “Prelimititus. It’s a bit like tinnitus, but even more annoyingly disruptive.”

“Bloody hell, they’re a menace to society!” added a lawyer. “Let’s lock them all in quarantine while we still can.”

At least one man is taking sensible precautions

First year English and History students take heed: you’ll be next. Take action now.

There are ways to save yourself from this tragic state of stupour before you end up 1. more shit-faced than a child’s stickman picture, or 2. in A&E with a finalist’s fountain pen wedged between your eyeballs.

There is only one cure. Find an activity that will fill up your day so you are as busy as any NatSci. Take up a time-consuming hobby. Write for The Tab.