Spoof News is Good News: Week 1

SUE DENIM brings you all the breaking news that you don’t need to know, but really want to.

cesearian sunday christs Corpus Drinking Societies emma jesus News politics satire spoof

For the latest about all walks of student life, from pointing out the existence of CUSU to giving tearful coverage of your Academia, scroll down today’s headlines. This week, our Nightlife section will also expose the shady world of swaps and socialising with an ‘Exclusive Inside-Look at Drinking Societies’…

DISCLAIMER – The Tab’s NEWS IN SHORT is not a substitute for your daily news intake, and ought to be supplementary to a well-rounded and healthy diet.

University News

Competing companies already bored by inane student lives; regret purchasing data; watch Breaking Bad boxset instead.

TCS covertly printing same 2003 issue every week; goes unnoticed.

Emmanuel, Trinity, Jesus, and Corpus Christi colleges all traced back to same mysterious donor.

Intelligent Design...?

Intelligent Design…?

CUSU Updates

CUSU revealed as front for underground crime syndicate; equally inefficient

Women’s Campaign demand recognition of haircut

Candidate Ronald Smith dismayed after not receiving majority vote in any category

Nightlife

Victimised fresher required to consume beverage as initiation to drinking society

Women reported to indeed love it when you do that

Seems unlikely. Apparently true. Don't tell the Mail.

Seems unlikely. Apparently true. Don’t tell the Mail.

Academia

Local student determined to achieve yesterday’s deadline

Entrance exams to more accurately represent university studies; written test replaced with all-night weeping

World News, Politics

UKIP admirably pledges to strive for even subtler racism

Potentially anti-Conservative Students ‘not apathetic enough’, says Cameron

Hip politician creates Myspace page; wins student vote overnight

Less of your politics, Cambridge. More of this.

Less of your politics, Cambridge. More of this.

Health and Fitness

BREAKING NEWS: Gardies meal only counts for one of your recommended five-a-day Gardies meals, says science

Symbolic gym membership worth every penny

Fellows’ wine allowance to be restricted to three quaffs per meal

NEXT WEEK: an in-depth documentary of the wildlife of Cambridgeshire, as several species of punt dozily emerge from hibernation.