Spoof News is Good News: Week 1
SUE DENIM brings you all the breaking news that you don’t need to know, but really want to.
For the latest about all walks of student life, from pointing out the existence of CUSU to giving tearful coverage of your Academia, scroll down today’s headlines. This week, our Nightlife section will also expose the shady world of swaps and socialising with an ‘Exclusive Inside-Look at Drinking Societies’…
DISCLAIMER – The Tab’s NEWS IN SHORT is not a substitute for your daily news intake, and ought to be supplementary to a well-rounded and healthy diet.
Competing companies already bored by inane student lives; regret purchasing data; watch Breaking Bad boxset instead.
TCS covertly printing same 2003 issue every week; goes unnoticed.
Emmanuel, Trinity, Jesus, and Corpus Christi colleges all traced back to same mysterious donor.
CUSU revealed as front for underground crime syndicate; equally inefficient
Women’s Campaign demand recognition of haircut
Candidate Ronald Smith dismayed after not receiving majority vote in any category
Victimised fresher required to consume beverage as initiation to drinking society
Women reported to indeed love it when you do that
Local student determined to achieve yesterday’s deadline
Entrance exams to more accurately represent university studies; written test replaced with all-night weeping
World News, Politics
UKIP admirably pledges to strive for even subtler racism
Potentially anti-Conservative Students ‘not apathetic enough’, says Cameron
Hip politician creates Myspace page; wins student vote overnight
Health and Fitness
BREAKING NEWS: Gardies meal only counts for one of your recommended five-a-day Gardies meals, says science
Symbolic gym membership worth every penny
Fellows’ wine allowance to be restricted to three quaffs per meal
NEXT WEEK: an in-depth documentary of the wildlife of Cambridgeshire, as several species of punt dozily emerge from hibernation.