Spoof News is Good News: Week 1
SUE DENIM brings you all the breaking news that you don’t need to know, but really want to.
For the latest about all walks of student life, from pointing out the existence of CUSU to giving tearful coverage of your Academia, scroll down today’s headlines. This week, our Nightlife section will also expose the shady world of swaps and socialising with an ‘Exclusive Inside-Look at Drinking Societies’…
DISCLAIMER – The Tab’s NEWS IN SHORT is not a substitute for your daily news intake, and ought to be supplementary to a well-rounded and healthy diet.
University News
Competing companies already bored by inane student lives; regret purchasing data; watch Breaking Bad boxset instead.
TCS covertly printing same 2003 issue every week; goes unnoticed.
Emmanuel, Trinity, Jesus, and Corpus Christi colleges all traced back to same mysterious donor.
Intelligent Design…?
CUSU Updates
CUSU revealed as front for underground crime syndicate; equally inefficient
Women’s Campaign demand recognition of haircut
Candidate Ronald Smith dismayed after not receiving majority vote in any category
Nightlife
Victimised fresher required to consume beverage as initiation to drinking society
Women reported to indeed love it when you do that
Seems unlikely. Apparently true. Don’t tell the Mail.
Academia
Local student determined to achieve yesterday’s deadline
Entrance exams to more accurately represent university studies; written test replaced with all-night weeping
World News, Politics
UKIP admirably pledges to strive for even subtler racism
Potentially anti-Conservative Students ‘not apathetic enough’, says Cameron
Hip politician creates Myspace page; wins student vote overnight
Less of your politics, Cambridge. More of this.
Health and Fitness
BREAKING NEWS: Gardies meal only counts for one of your recommended five-a-day Gardies meals, says science
Symbolic gym membership worth every penny
Fellows’ wine allowance to be restricted to three quaffs per meal
NEXT WEEK: an in-depth documentary of the wildlife of Cambridgeshire, as several species of punt dozily emerge from hibernation.
Hydro Flask
Cambridge vice-chancellor gives annual address at Senate House
Anna MardlingThe vice-chancellor highlighted the university’s national importance and student support offering in her speech
Religious icon stolen from Cambridge College Chapel
April O'NeillThe artwork was taken from the Chapel of Magdalene College between the 24th and 25th September
Builder finds students’ lost items from 1920s behind Cambridge college fireplace
Postcards, an invitation and lists of chapel services were found during renovations of Christ’s College
The good, the bad and the sink-less: A ranking of my dorms as a Cambridge student
Julia SzaniszloThe good, the bad, the sink-less – all my rooms I have had at Cambridge
Cambridge Uni denies China ties after ambassador urges students to ‘serve the motherland’
The comment came during the Ambassador’s visit to the university on September 12th
Do not fear, freshers: 10 common misconceptions about Cambridge University
Iris RogersBe not afraid, Cam isn’t scary x
Former Cambridge medicine student jailed for sexual offences related to children
25-year-old Lorcan Elliott admitted to 22 offences
‘You don’t seem to be able to write’: Savage comments from Cambridge uni supervisors
Because we needed a sequel x
Outside the Cambridge bubble: What to do when you miss Cambridge
From doing everything to doing nothing at all
Absolutely everything you need to bring as a fresher starting at Cambridge University
Nobody told me I’d need to pack black tie
Cambridge JSO student activist sentenced to four years in same jail as killer Lucy Letby
22-year-old Cressida Gethin was jailed for disruption caused on the M25
Cambridge students: It’s okay not to get a first
This is an announcement for all of you and your imposter syndrome
Cambridge student who suddenly died from undiagnosed condition awarded degree after death
Phoebe KowhaiClarissa Nicholls is described as ‘dedicated, determined and resilient’
Cambridge University considers ending collaboration with Barclays and Lloyds
Leah WhitingLeaked documents revealed the university has concerns over the banks’ links to fossil fuels
Cambridge students warned university graduations may be disrupted by pro-Palestine protestors
This comes after ‘blood red’ paint was thrown on Senate House earlier this week
20-year-old left seriously injured after stabbing outside popular Cambridge nightclub
Cambridgeshire Police has released CCTV of two men it believes were involved
Former University of Cambridge student died in uni room after being rejected from studying Master’s
Benjamin Faux has been described as a ‘gentle young man, with a lovely warm smile’
Review: CUMTS x Big Band Roulette: All That Jazz
Evan Grandidge de PazJazz and musical theatre…what a great start to May Week!
The experts flopped! A definitive roundup of the most mismatched MAFS UK couples ever
Harrison BrocklehurstWhat on EARTH were they thinking!?
These 30 unhinged MAFS UK 2024 memes will keep you entertained until the show’s back
Claudia CoxI’ll be laughing over those fajitas for three to five working days
Nick admits he massively regrets comparing himself to Henry Cavill in Love Is Blind pods
Ellie Ring‘That’s a bad celebrity comparison’
All of Lacey’s many attempts to get famous before MAFS UK 2024
Hayley SoenAre there any cast members who haven’t been on Celebs Go Dating?
People think a huge MAFS UK scene with Eve and Charlie was cut after heated exit
Sofia AiraThere was definitely more behind the scenes that we didn’t see
Hannah ‘doesn’t regret’ her choice to write list of red flags about Nick on Love Is Blind
But admits she never meant for him to see it in the first place
All the green flags that prove Kieran from MAFS UK 2024 is a gem among men
He wrote a song for Kristina and it’s not even cringey
Kristina has ended our misery and posted statement about contents of mystery blue liquid
Finally I can sleep at night
P Diddy denied bail twice as he’s labelled a ‘danger to the community’ by judge
He will have to be detained until his trial
MAFS UK and Love Is Blind officiant explains how she knows which marriages will last
I’m guarding Kristina and Kieran with my life
Huge MAFS UK editing error proves Kieran and Kristina’s dinner conversation was all staged
I actually can’t believe they messed this up so badly
Here he goes! I regret to inform you Liam Payne is once again being a menace to society
He got so annoying at Niall Horan’s concert that security had to intervene
Kim Kardashian slams media for turning Menendez brothers into ‘eye candy’ in lengthy essay
She called upon them to be freed and claimed they were ‘not monsters’ when she visited them in jail
Charlie reveals ‘turning point’ when she knew relationship with Eve ‘could never come back’
And admitted the one thing Eve could have done to save the relationship
Kesha says her boyfriend broke up with her because she didn’t take him to a Taylor Swift party
She purposely didn’t invite him to check if he was with her for the wrong reasons
Major Love Is Blind editing error finally proves the pods are completely staged
They haven’t even tried to cover this up
Lacey reveals MAFS UK producers ‘told’ them to make fajitas and her mum had ‘no say’ in it
She also explained Nathan and her mum cuddled on the sofa afterwards but scene was cut
Ok, Margaret Qualley just spilled on if she wore prosthetic boobs in The Substance
‘Unfortunately, there is no magic boob potion’
Where the MAFS UK 2024 weddings were filmed, and how rich you’d have to be to get married there
If it’s good enough for royalty, then it’s good enough for MAFS
An expert explains why the TikTok ick list trend could be ruining your relationship
Don’t listen to Love Is Blind – ick lists are bad!
The tragic amounts it costs to go to the highest achieving UK private schools in 2024
Apparently being rich makes you better at GCSEs