So Many Positions, So Little Time

With the end of term approaching and deadlines a’looming it can be hard to find the time for those precious z’s. When you do, you are going to want to make sure you’re doing it right, so I took it upon myself to research the best ways of sleeping in this whistle-stop guide.

Eagle: Less majestic than it sounds. Sleeping in this position means you came home drunk, forgot to change but still managed to kick your laptop on the floor, and are about to miss your DOS meeting because someone wrote COCK on your forehead in biro and it’s still bleeding.

The eagle position – other animals are available

On one side: As opposed to on two. Sleeping on one side means sleeping in a mattress sandwich, like that bit in Star Wars when the walls of the garbage crusher are coming in on them and then stop just in time – but worse because they haven’t stopped and you’re being squashed between two mattresses.

Spoon: Wrap your arms around your lover and wish away the demons of the day. Never mind that your lover is a sex toy and your arms are your penis, I’m not gonna deprive myself of a whole sleeping position just because I’m single.

Spooning your ‘pillow partner’ works just as well

On your back: Turn out the lights and drift away into the deep, black night. Picture the stars twinkling up above you and re-enact that scene from Brokeback Mountain where the main guy jerks off to Heath Ledger. All is bliss, beautiful bliss, in the sleepy town of Cambridge. That is until your eyes readjust and you remember you’re staring at a damp white ceiling and your housemate’s having a night-terror again.

Foetal: For all of us who weren’t properly weaned as a baby, try crawling up in a ball and hugging yourself to sleep. God knows no one else will.

Upright: When you fall asleep on a bus and then you’re jerked awake and you absolutely hate everything and everyone for a couple of seconds before you understand who you are again. Yeah I hate that the most.

The utopia of public transport napping

Frontal: This one isn’t really conducive to breathing so you have to be quite good at holding your breath.

In a lecture: I’ve had some of my coolest dreams in lectures. Learning about stone tool technology is infinitely more fun when you’re also a live-action MyScene doll navigating the Crystal Maze with Professor Caracus from Tintin.

Chelsea and Kennedy do their bit

On the floor: I had a bad back earlier this term and my friend suggested sleeping on the floor to fix it. I’m not sure what informed this treatment, other than OBVIOUSLY NOT EXPERIENCE, but he disappeared from Facebook shortly after and I’m pretty sure he’s a prick.

Sleepwalk: The upside is that this doesn’t require a bed. The downside is I pissed on the kitchen floor after the Halloween bop last year and still haven’t managed to own up to it.

Don’t sleep: It sounds much more fun than it is. You end up watching videos of Alexa Chung before she was famous and writing shitty articles about sleeping positions for The Tab.