My opinion on a thing and why you should care

JOE FRESHER has opinions and wants you to listen to him. Please. He’s really desperate.

desperate expert Feminism Fresher journalism patrick brooks satire

I’m a fresher and I have an opinion on a non-issue that doesn’t require any discussion anyway, so you all ought to listen to what I have to say. Yeah?

Yeah, that’s right, I’m a fucking fresher, but an unusually literate one. In between finishing Harry Potter and coming to Cambridge, I watched the first three seasons of the Simpsons and read half of 1984, so I guess you could say I’m Gore Vidal.

Yeah, Gore fucking Vidal, so listen to this shit, yeah?

Look at me in my fucking tab t-shirt

Now I’m going to tell you what Wikipedia told me the issue is, but I’m going to pass it off as my own lame and wanky attempt at wit by shoehorning it into a one-liner I stole from whichever Woody Allen film I’m trying to legitimise my existence with at the moment.

I’ve got a fucking picture of Woody Allen and everything

I’m just going to carry on treading water for a bit, yeah? Here’s a couple of sentences which don’t make any sense, but it’s okay because my written style’s so fucking great.

Yeah? Word. By which I mean swear words. It’s like Agatha Christie’s snorted a load of ket and she’s interning at VICE; yeah look that’s a fucking semi-colon after ket. Drugs and grammar! Talk about knowing my audience and also shitloads about everything.

There’s no sacred cows with me! Now it’s time to pretend to have something of substance to say.

An artist’s impression of the author

No, actually, I’ll just carry on being a wanker. Yeah, that’ll do.

Here’s something I paraphrased from the Guardian about whatever it is I’m pretending to care about.

I looked this shit up and now I’m an expert

Phew! That’s all for this week. Check my Facebook next week for more of the same. Better go to bed now, it’s pretty tough going being a real journalist and everything.

Please don’t tell my mum.