Cambridge Mergers We’d Like To See

It’s for some reason fashionable to reminisce a bit too enthusiastically about the late 90s and early 00s. In fact it’s not just fashionable, it’s borderline-compulsory.

If someone mentions dial-up and you don’t start spewing the various bleeps and scratches it made while gurning and occasionally shouting ‘classic’ then you’re in deep social-shit. If The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme begins and you don’t sing along like you live in one of those insecure newer countries and it’s your national anthem, well, you can say hello to dying alone.

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The tune of our childhood, right?

I am not exempt from this. Upon hearing the news that Busted and McFly will unite for a tour next year, I came. Hard. All over Twitter, all over Facebook. Everywhere. But this wasn’t a choice: social forces made it a cum-pulsion. I wanted to show people that I, too, was in on the semi-though-not-totally ironic adoration for early noughties pop-punk. That I, like everyone else, could turn a blind eye to the fact that, singles aside, listening to A Present for Everyone is like being eaten by a warm treacle made of Orson B-sides.

But although my passion for the bands may have been contrived, my passion for the idea was not. I love the concept of mergers. So, in a segment definitely related to the above few paragraphs I’ve come up with the Cambridge mergers I think we’d most like to see.

Porters and the Cambridge police force

It was last Michaelmas when I first saw what porters could really do. A dog had made its way onto the first court of Christ’s, forcing a porter to run towards and rugby tackle it. The dog reacted badly and went for the porter’s face, leading some tourists to run to the porter’s aid. Unfortunately tourists aren’t allowed on the grass either and the porter was forced to rugby tackle them as well. This led to a four-way struggle that lasted about a minute until, from the chaos, rose a bleeding porter: dog in one hand (alive), tourists in the other (not sure). He dumped them all outside the front gate and went to make an unrelated phone-call.

What I’m saying is that this is the kind of person who would get your stolen bike back.

The Union and The Tab

Sure, I enjoy watching Katie Price gargle on some ghost-written, pseudo-feminist pus before collapsing in a puddle of self-commodification secreted from the void where her soul should be. But it wears. It wears fast. And that’s why The Union needs rebooting.

Katie loves the idea

If it merged with The Tab, debates could be more sensational. I’m talking ‘This house believes BUMS HOMELESS FLESHLIGHT CUSU SAINSBURY’S TITS’. They could have a cheeky smattering of awful puns; speakers could occasionally be on a punt for no apparent reason. It’d be great.

The Corpus Clock and the Bin Busker

Tourist dollar would flow.

Computer Science and Arch and Anth

It’s always fun to throw human beings as far from their comfort zone as possible. It’s like watching Vanessa Feltz attempt a Pasodoble on Strictly Come Dancing or Boris Johnson attempt politics in general. Unfailingly hilarious. This merger would not only contain the aforementioned hilarity but the students involved would get to widen their skills base. I did some Arch and Anth in my first year and there were probably three things with which I struggled: the critical thinking and the maths. A CompSci paper or two would surely have helped in this respect.

Market Square and Lola Lo’s

Where are the VKs?

I’m never convinced that a room full of people, noises and alcohol is a strong enough concept to facilitate a night out. Clearly I’m in the minority there, but I’m sure if we combined Lola’s with about fifty thousand nectarines and some jaded men selling war memorabilia then things would be a bit more fun.