Rachel Tookey: Week 1

In RACHEL TOOKEY’s debut column, she offers us her finest musings on bridges, Sainsbury’s and the UL.

bridges column columnist Corpus Christi Clock English poem poetry Rachel Rachel Tookey Sainsbury's self-checkout UL week 1

Hello. I’ve written a poem for you all so you can get to know me better.

In honour of the expectation I am sure you have all been feeling for my first column (or maybe that was just you, mum), I’ve made it a poem about anticipation.

I’ll show it to you eventually. It’s something for you to look forward to, but remember, a watched pot never boils. Now that I’ve used up my only gimmick for all 8 weeks, I figured this week I’d give some handy advice for all of those new to this here beautiful city of Cambridge.

With all of the newbies in town, the numerous sights of Cambridge have never been so popular. I would recommend checking out the bridges for a start. A marvellous invention, the bridge was created in Cambridge itself back in 1688 to put an end to the plethora of people falling into the Cam. Newton’s invention of gravity the year before had made this a much more frequent occurrence. Then there’s also the Corpus Christi Clock which is made from the world’s first known prehistoric wheel. More importantly, it’s amusingly ugly and has a random bug on top. In particular, however, I would get to know Sainsbury’s where one of the self-check-out machines is voiced by David Attenborough.

Nobody knows why the tourists are so fascinated by it

Nobody knows why the tourists are so fascinated by it

In fact, Sainsbury’s is one of my top spots in Cambridge. As an English student, I have a lot of free time – I don’t even write poetry. Instead I spend my days wandering through Sainsbury’s, and this has taught me quite a few tricks of the trade to pass on to you all.

The first one to remember is your university card can be used here like a nectar card. Extra points allow you to extend your library loans, or get a free half-chicken at Nandos.

The second one is to bring your own bags. Don’t destroy the environment you lazy wanker.

Finally, and more vitally, is every foray into Sainsbury’s is a social occasion. It’s here where you’ll see all of the town’s famous faces, such as the former Archbishop of Canterbury. Rudimental are even known to make the occasional tannoy announcement. This shopping trip is your chance to show yourself off to Stephen Hawking in the most popular place in town. There is an art to the shopping trip: you must never be seen buying such ploggy items as deodorant, Immodium, or custard creams. These can all be cheaply ordered second-hand from Amazon market place.

That’s really all you need to know, especially with all the other Tab articles telling Freshers what to do. Just enjoy your supermarket trip. I know I do. My obsession with Sainsbury’s comes from my childhood ambition to be a self-check-out machine.  I tried to ignore my parents when they told me that I lacked the people skills required for the job. Unfortunately, my dream was finally crushed when my school careers officer said I wasn’t good enough at maths to do it anyway. (They wouldn’t even let me apply for my back up option of medicine).  My own baggage area is now weighed down with my B in GCSE maths and my mother’s voice of constant criticism.

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Got an A in GCSE maths

I ended up studying English literature instead. I would say I’m nearly almost fluent now. Sometimes, I even go to the UL. If you have any time left on your manic tour of Cambridge after hitting up the aforementioned sights, try the University Library. It has many aspects, such as 8 million books and an exhibit on Spanish medieval literature. This is perhaps more of a factual rather than fun visit; much like this article.

But dontcha worry, with all these sights you’ll never be bored! Go visit them with all your new friends! It’s time to break the fresher mould. Then, you can even go make a picture of your college your cover photo.

And coming up next week: another column, probably.