Seven Deadly Cins

Cindies is a hotbed of vice that you’re bound to fall victim to, warns MEGAN KENNEDY.

anger Cindies cins deadly Gardies gluttony kennedy Life lust megan pride seven sins sloth stinginess

A night in Cindies, that infamous hotbed of debauchery and vice, can leave one’s morals a little the worse for wear.

Having said that, we at The Tab believe there’s no time like the present for extravagant displays of repentance. For as the Bible states, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

So come on, just how many of the following deadly sins are you guilty of after a night in Cindies?

Pride: Vanity is generally expected at nightclubs but a crowded Cindies climate is not favourable to those who make the effort. Humidity at peak times reaches tropical levels; sweat has been known to drip from the ceiling at Christmas – literally dampening the festive spirit. Sleek hair becomes fluffy, make-up slides off the face and perspiration patches are a dead cert for anyone foolish enough to opt for light coloured clothing.  

Wrath: Do your best to control your anger as you are pushed, stamped on, and shoved aside by various planks in dinner jackets. Failing this, adopt their mentality and realise that elbowing fellow clubbers is the only way to have yourself heard on a Tuesday night. Even if you do take the virtuous route, your bubble of calm will burst on a poor pedestrian who has had the audacity to brush past you on King’s Parade. Tourists, eh? No manners…

Keeping your cool in Cindies is no mean feat…

Lust: “Yeah, she’s still got it,” you muse, as the object of your desires sways alluringly in front of you. With her sweet nothings acting as a tender counterpoint to the DJ’s umpteenth “Oggy! Oggy! Oggy!” of the evening, she pulls you close and you quickly expunge from your mind the reminder that this will only end one way: awkwardly. To some, pulling in Cindies is as obligatory as deadlines and supervisions. To most, it’s an indication that their personal life has reached its nadir.

Bustin’ some moves

Envy: Enter drinking societies. Comprised of the beautiful, athletic and well-connected, they even get to wear fancy blazers to kick us plebeians while we’re down. And they’ll be at Cindies, naturally, looking flawless at the centre of the dance floor while you struggle with the sweltering conditions and fight for space on the group’s periphery.

Greed: The fleeting nature of bar service causes many people to take a bulk-buy approach. When buying VKs, remember: point, pay and leave. There’s always that guy who prolongs his minute of fame by ordering an absurd number of intricate cocktails for the entire boat club. Some friendly advice: don’t be that guy. You’re a boatie; don’t make yourself more unpopular than you already are.

Next time, just order a jägerbomb, will you?

Sloth: The deadly combo of heat and drunkenness cause energy to flag, fast. Seating space, however, is limited to a couple of solitary picnic tables, John’s Bar (*hiss*) and the toilets. The Cindies toilets are less than ideal, but you’ll inexorably find yourself pacing back and forth, waiting for a cubicle with the magical combination of lockable door and abundance of toilet paper. A girl can dream. Unthinkably disgusting at any other time, your chosen stall becomes an oasis of calm away from the dubstep, alcohol and shark-infested waters outside.

Gluttony: After several hours of drinking, dancing and failed seduction, the munchies kick in. Where you decide to buy food afterwards is an important choice between Life and Death…or Gardies, the Purgatory of late-night eateries. At this point of your night, you may even commit an eighth sin – perhaps worse than all those before it – stinginess. Your friends will hate you for picking through the contents of their polystyrene tray, criticising their choice of condiment as you do so…but what’s friendship compared to the joy of free chips? I rest my case.