Throw Him A Bone: Ageing Anarchists Can’t Get It Up

Ageing anarchist Ian Bone led a flaccid protest against the ‘Oxbridge Oligarchy’ today, although animal rights protestors did cause disruption at May Bumps.

Bone promised a storm of 2000 anarchists, gown-burning and violence. But a grand total of 12 protestors on the wrong side of middle age showed up in an hour-long protest before retiring to the pub. They never made it to their intended target of May Bumps.

Starting at Senate House at 11am, the few and the proud class protestors marched up St. John’s Street. Ian Bone and his group of elderly activists joked around on their walk to the May Bumps, pausing outside Trinity to tease porters, calling them “lickspittle to the rich“.

Help the aged: 12 angry anarchists descend on Cambridge

They took a moment outside John’s to note that “you need a copy of Tattler” for entry into the college.

Amid Bone’s taunts of “Where’s your polo pony?” and “Where’s the lacrosse field?” the veteran team noticed “it’s quite nice here” and “it’s a lovely day”. One protestor, Ray, made a day of it, and used the opportunity to do a spot of sightseeing. “I wandered up from the station and walked around The Backs, and that was very nice.”

He predicted a riot

Unfortunately for the agitators, a map-reading balls up meant that Bone and his brigade found themselves lost outside the Cambridge Union. The one-time ‘most dangerous man in Britain’ complained, “It’s Class Politics, not geography” before pointing out “We all failed our geography A-level”.

Fortunately, The Tab on hand to guide the bingo-hall belligerents towards Midsummer Common, where the conclusion of Bone’s limp parade took place. The anarchists briefly paused to get a snap by the entrance to Park St. Primary School, whose crest features a swan, and cheer “Long Live Mr ASBO!”

By the time the Radio 4 Rebels reached the banks of the Cam, any force the demonstration might have had had petered out, with Bone calling an end to proceedings in front of the St Catz boat house, where he gave one final taunt to a crew, shouting “Watch out, there’s Trenton” in reference to the protestor who ruined this year’s Boat Race.

Too soft: Bone’s protest goes a bit limp

Downhearted but defiant at the impotent end to his demonstration, Bone addressed the assembled tens. “We could have done better with about 500 or 600 more protestors and we could have made a bigger impact” he lamented, but stressed that the day’s events were just a “marker” for future action against Oxford and public schools.

Talking to The Tab, funny-Bone joked, “At this rate, we’ll seize power in the year 2089.”

The elderly insurgents, visibly flagging, retired to the Fort St George for a quiet pint by the riverside.

Class War were not the only people protesting in Cambridge today, however. A group of animal rights protestors, campaigning against the removal of Mr Asbo from the Cam, interrupted May Bumps causing significant disruption to the event.

Campaigners held placards along the towpath side of the river, while three protestors rode a boat into the middle of the river while dressed as swans.

Their actions delayed the start of the W4 division while the assembled police watched on helplessly. The protesters only moved after intervention from the Cam Conservators.