All I Want For Christmas Is Pubes: Part 2

Willy-fros should always be greeted with cries of ‘Wowee!’: Fact. Leaving your sex box unadorned at Christmas is as sinful as endowing your seasonal salon with a bare fir. So think as Adam did, and salamander your way through Yule with a welcome wreath between your loins. Milkman, businessman and topman alike, may the he-bush be cultivated and nourished in favour of a spirited gasp at every unzipping.

Yet we penis-proprietors are not all the same: what looks gloriously Ron Jeremy on one man’s lunch box can look utterly bush-tucker on another. Amongst the following suggestions is a sub-‘tache to suit every mister.

 The Yin and Wang

The most harmonious of coital constructions, see your jewels reflected in perfect pubic symmetry.

Pros: Double the length of your tackle whilst boasting distinct cultural awareness.

Cons: When you find yourself excited and horizontal, this particular formation can sometimes be mistaken for The Sundial, always reading 12 o’clock. In some cases it is good when time stands still: this should never be the case inside your pants.

The Wild Thornberry

Go positively Serengeti with your privates and allow your English country garden bush to develop into something of far more Australian proportions. Rub fertile mud stuffs and bird seed into your inner thighs to encourage increased sprouting and fill in any patchy areas with painted watercress.

Pros: Door locked, lights low, you are the corresponding Tarzan to any Jane. Strike your chest, roar at your trouser press, and wrestle with your labradoodle.

Cons: Your magnificent trouser-mane will inevitably come at the cost of your manhood, your tresses curtaining the main event and leaving you feeling sexually Napoleoned.

The Bar Code

We all love supermarket check-outs, so why not invite some much-needed ‘Beep!’ into your Y-fronts?

Pros: The idea of pricing-up one’s sex-colleague is an undeniable turn-on. With any luck you will turn out to be more expensive than half a kilo of gourmet jelly beans, and will be digested with similar vigour. This is also a great excuse to buy a supermarket scanner for your bedroom. Titillate your lover with sordid cries of ‘WOULD YOU LIKE A BAG WITH THAT?!!!’

Cons: Some might argue that you should never give a present with the price still on. Some cases of Bar Code have also been mistaken for under-the-belt alopecia which is only sexy in controlled situations.

The Titanic

My Auntie Helen went to see Titanic thrice at her local Cineworld, claiming a different reason for each sitting. At least two of her reasons can be traced back to the protagonist’s center parting which remained perfectly divided throughout deck parties, automobile humps and the eventual iceberging. So do a Jack Dawson, and nestle the greatest love story of all time next to your man-baubles.

Pros: Leonardo’s famous getup can double as a pair of curtains which can be closed and then pulled back for that ‘tadda!’ effect.

Cons: Hearing Celine Dion’s piercing screams in your head has been described as a side effect upon witnessing this particular pube-do. Whilst everyone’s favourite Canadian is a welcome addition to any comprehensive finger buffet playlist, she is to be kept at bay when conducting rudies.

Right then, gents. Let’s meet furry with fury and paint the town gorilla.

Girls, there’s no need to feel left out. Find out what to do with your muff here.