Uncle A: The Art of Dating

Hamishtheamish1008 is BACK! Uncle A contends with the repercussions of last week’s advice.

Agony Uncle Alex Bower banter blind date Dating hamishtheamish1008 Lad love RAG relationship Sex

Dear A,

Thanks for your kind advice the other week. It has turned my life around, and I’ve become a lad. I’ve even got a girlfriend. However, I’m also a charitable guy, and just went on the charity blind date, y’know, for jokes. Basically I RAGged the girl I was set up with (haha!) because of my frankly stunning banter. Now I’m stuck. How do I sack off my current bit of skirt and shack up with the new one? Also, I’m still new to being banterous- am I in love with her? The other lads tell me that this is “gay”, which I find immensely confusing, because she is definitely a girl! If you get me! Haha! Please help.

Banterous regards,

Hamishtheamish1008 (online)

Dear Hamishtheamish1008,

You do sound like a bit of a lad now! Also a knobhead. In fact, mostly a knobhead. What have I done?

Love is where your imagination wins its constant battle with your common sense. You must understand that your ‘love’ originates mostly in your penis, and it is your biological urge to reproduce that is controlling you. I wouldn’t recommend it, but if you insist that you need to pursue this girl, I’ve prepared you a brief course of action.

The first thing you need to do is to get rid of your current bit on the side. The easiest way of doing this is to make her hate you, which you may find surprisingly easy. Why not just tell her the truth? She will definitely not be keen on you once you reveal that you nailed some wench from Fitz on a charity date. Actually, I think it will be better if you phrase it yourself: you have a particular way with words which will maximise your chances of success. The advantages of this method are twofold: she will get over you much more quickly; you get a sense of moral satisfaction from knowing that you have been truthful and honest. The disadvantage of this is that the size of your penis will become common knowledge around her college, and setting foot in her vicinity, or indeed those of her friends, will be extremely awkward indeed.

Convention dictates that you should play the dating game. Dating is where you try to get to know someone before, or between, having sex with them, by taking them to do things like drink coffee or watch a film. Many people bypass this tradition through a medium called ‘Cindies’. The worst dating advice anyone can give anyone ever is: “just be yourself.” This is like telling someone you’re photographing to act naturally – it’s impossible, because it makes you aware of everything you’re doing, while you question who it is you are and whether that is really you. Generally, those three words are the catalyst for a profound crisis of identity. If anyone so much as mentions “just being yourself”, I’d recommend you don’t listen to them. It’ll ruin your life. Some people also like to say clever things like: “The only rule is that there are no rules”, but that’s shit advice and doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

The hardest part of dating, for most people, is making ‘The Move’. This is where you bridge the gap between getting to know someone and getting to know someone in a more biblical sense. The thing is, now she’s sober, it’s going to be a little more difficult; she’s been witnessing your stunning banter in a better lit, less inebriated context. Still, The Move must be made if you’re going to take this relationship anywhere. There are few hard and fast rules about this – the more natural it is, the better it will be in the long run. One thing I would say is that you should always lock eyes before you lock lips. Staring at her tits will not lead to success.

It is worth noting that I will buy you a drink  if you can pull off the perennial favourite of the cheeky yawn/embrace in the cinema, the precursor to all the best relationships. Good luck.

All the best,


Illustration by Amy Munro-Faure