10 Tips For Scoring A Fresher

Tired of the same old swap meat? DAVID DRAKE has some tips on how to score with the new intake.

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Whether you be a desperate third year with only one more chance at scoring something less stagnant than your lab partner, or new to the game and over-excited by the array of goods on show after a long, dry summer, you can never be too cautious in your approach to young fresher honeys. Prior planning, however, is crucial to taking advantage at this uncertain stage of the young female’s entry to Cambridge. Take some top tips from The Tab and secure your sexual scorecard for the next term, at least.

1. Reconnaissance

Facebook is a boon to the modern single type. Just cruise onto those pathetic fresher groups from the comfort of your own home, pick a target, stalk for approximately four hours and then start your term being suave and sophisticated, secretly knowing all about them. If you’re an old Cambridge hat, show them the ropes. New intake? Make some friends in older years and pretend you’ve been around for yonks.

2. Channel a new personality

Pretend to like new things. If you’re a returning shark, pretend to have had a life-changing experience over the summer. If you’re fresh meat, you’ve got no one to catch you out and disprove your sincerity. If she likes country and western, so do you. He’s in the bar watching the rugby, where will you be? Buying him peanuts. Hey, maybe even write for the university newspaper if she’s keen on it (my girlfriend’s Deputy Editor of this piece of shit paper. Why else do you think I’m writing this crap? Guaranteed gash on tap.). Photographic evidence decorating your room is particularly helpful when cultivating a new image – yes, that’s me with Deadmau5 before he got fucking mainstream. That girl with me at Deadmau5? Yeah, that’s my ex. She’s pretty fit. No, I’m not over her yet; we had something special.

3. Eliminate all competition

Some naive youngsters seem to think their adolescent relationships from previous lives will survive the strains of university. It is your job to wreck that home and make sure their skype calls are constantly interrupted by your oiled naked torso or, if female, svelte be-towelled body asking for shampoo. Sure to cause inevitable crisis. Double bonus – be the shoulder to cry on.

4. Continue to eliminate competition

Now that the partner is ruined, a large number of buzzards and vultures in the shape of large sporting types or cocky young upstarts (strangely familiar to your own reflection maybe) start to circle your target. Destroy them. Socially undermine them by getting them so drunk that they are discovered covered in faeces and vomit in the college bar. If you have no shame, maybe even take them to hospital. Chicks dig a sensitive guy, especially one who is willing to trek to Addenbrookes in his Freshers’ week. Girls are well versed in this kind of bitchy tactic, I need not tell them how to destroy each other. Meowww.

5. Attend the Freshers’ fair

Stock up on condoms and lube (the odd dental dam never goes amiss either) and be seen talking to edgy types at The Tab’s stall.

Impress Freshers with your commitment to safe sex

6. Drink alcohol

Learn to drink lots of it. Downing pints and chinning shots guarantees you instant clunge, and male respect in the process. N.B. This works both ways; there’s nothing a true lad loves more than a girl with an iron liver. Make sure other people don’t drink or, if they insist on another round, that they get so bladdered that they can’t get it up later that night. Take advantage. Be that ‘mistake I made in first year’.

7. Perfect the lunge

Imitating woodpeckers is not cool. The latest method pioneered on a lads weekend in Portugal this summer involves grasping their hands and twirling them around, à la gay guy from Four Weddings And A Funeral, greeting them with your mouth as they complete the 360th degree. Before they know it, your tongue is down their throat. Score.

8. Always carry chewing gum

You never know when or where the urge for number 7 will strike you. Be prepared.

9. Don’t do any work

Ever. It is as shameful to be caught working as it is to be caught masturbating.

10. I’ll leave to rest to my main man Asher…