The Tab Lonely Hearts Club

Everyone needs somebody. Here at The Tab we decided to help out a few lonesome souls looking for that perfect someone. A mixture of familiar faces from both inside and outside the empty Cambridge bubble present themselves to you on their search for love.

Massive lad seeks gash for Cindies pulls, grinding in ‘Life’ and being a source of bant at swaps. Mate, all I want is someone to chunder in the street next to me and lick cream off my chest on Caesarian Sunday. I always provide my ladies with VKs and more loving than they can handle. Just look at my profile pic to check out the size of my cock, mate. More than one respondent preferred.

Male, CUSU top-dog, WLTM someone with vision, ideas and experience, who shares my liberal definition of tyranny. For 'affiliation' and maybe even more say YES and give in to (N) US.

Flaming-titted couture wearing she-man seeks hot blooded sex maniac for a bad romance. I want a guy who will share my love of dancing, poker and baking muffins. Word of warning-I can be a bit forgetful and I occasionally misplace my keys and my phone. I sometimes fantasise about  women when I'm fucking a man so get hot and get keen. Email me, I want to take a ride on your disco stick.

Gentle, understanding, and mature gentlemen with a GSOH seeks a conversation companion for long days and nights. Promises to listen to your (drunken) woes (and give you your room key when you lock yourself out in a towel). All applicants must enjoy (p)lodge life.

White male seeks white female. Yes, white. And British. Looking for pure and hetrosexual relationship. Weight not a problem, but must have child-bearing hips and a hatred of David Dimbleby.

Not afraid of hard work and used to working with my hands seeks trust fund playboy for friendship and maybe more. If you want an older woman who can show you how it’s done then I’m the one for you. Let me dust your brush. No.19 Castle End: I’ve seen the way you look at me.

Be my baby girl. Lonely man, exotic location, exciting singing career. Unfortunately in prison atm, and, like anybody in my situation, missing my children. Hobbies include photograpy, long showers and travelling. If you need any more information, send your kids and I'll fill them in.

VarsiTV interviewer WLTM any potentially fascinating people with very interesting lives for NO more than two minutes of totally dry chat.

Professional footballer, 28, seeks discreet lady for a bit of harmless fun – what's the worst that could happen? Got a boyfriend? Don't worry, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Interested? Just send a picture to my mate Ashley and he'll pass it on.

From the boy in the fourth row of your Aristotle lectures whose eye you're always catching. Forget natural law and give into some illogical animalistic fun. Stop playing with your hair, play with me instead.

Withered up control freak fag-hag seeks boy, I mean man, for tantric sex and naked yoga. Must share a passion for god-awful fabricated religions, narcissistic health regimes and shockingly perverse leotards. This material girl likes it sticky and sweet and longs to be wined and dined on a macrobiotic diet of organic steamed fish and seasonal vegetables. If you're not convinced just buy my tacky and gratuitous coffee table book. You better be good, because in all honesty, I can't act for shit.

Handsome and musically talented young man, who's been locked up and lonely, is looking for love right now. If you're a dangerous girl, I'll give you a ride in my lamborghini gallardo. Or if you're a particularly sexy bitch, I'll let you smack me all on the floor. P.S. No girls under eighteen – I had to blame it on myself last time.

Wondering who these lovely singles are? Fancy getting in touch? Well if it’s meant to be you’ll be able to match the lonely lady/lad up with their ad. Here’s your options:

Akon
Two minutes VarsiTV
A cantab
A porter
John Terry
Gary Glitter
Nick Griffin
Lady Gaga
Tom Chigbo
Madonna
A bedder
A rugby boy

Disclaimer: These ads were not in fact written by these people. They were actually written by an overweight mathmo who wanked off while thinking up these little gems. We at The Tab just wanted to bring a little more love into peoples lives. Is that so wrong?

Please don’t sue us though. It was only a joke.