Robert Smith: Culture Vulture.

ROB SMITH tells us what to do and where to do it in Week 3.

ball beer Cleveland Culture2 Green Irvin Smith Union Vulture

I’d like to get something out of the way first: I didn’t go to Egypt in the name of Charity this weekend. No, unlike Lottie (our resident Drama Queen) I stayed at home. Frankly, this was due to my immense dedication to The Tab. I think it’s a bit bloody rich she claims to be theatre editor, and yet she’s willing to swan off to foreign countries rather than sitting in her room patiently checking the latest review statistics every five minutes. In all fairness though, she did make the swirl of pretention that was ‘Vamos Varsity’ (it seems our broadsheet cousins are only willing to be alliterative when half of it is in a foreign language) seem a bit pathetic as they only managed Paris.

So what did I do? Well I did some comedy didn’t I. This presents a problem as I have to have a review of the show I was in and yet also have to edit the review. Once I’ve removed all the references to ‘that cunt in glasses with shit hair’ though it’ll be fit to print. More importantly though, my girlfriend (yes somehow I’ve accrued one) is staying and destroying my free time. I’d like to pretend that we’ll be engaging with Cambridge’s cavalcade of culture but to be honest we’ll probably stay in bed playing flash games and eating Haribo. We’re glamorous like that.

Art: The Albert Irvin exhibition is still at Churchill and is still free. His art mostly looks like a potato print piece I once made after Blue Peter, but you’re intelligent so I’m sure you’ll figure out some way of pretending to enjoy it.

Music: George Osborn rates Adam Green at the Junction on Wednesday and reckons that his filthy lyrics are delightfully at odds with his Sufjan Stevens stylings. But what does he know anyway? I only keep him on so I can pretend he’s the Shadow Chancellor.

Food and Drink: Robinson Bar are having a beer festival on Saturday to celebrate the start of the Six Nations. If you like the heady homoeroticism of drinking beer and watching Rugby come on over to the Red Bricked wonderland.

Film: This week sees the start of ¿Reel Revolution?, a Mexican Film Festival taking place at Trinity and the Arts Picturehouse. If you’re trying to impress that girl/boy in the thick glasses and cardigan I suggest that you see the John Reed biopic on the Thursday before popping over the road to Manna Mexico to complete the experience.

Television: The Cleveland Show is coming to E4 tomorrow. For those who aren’t in the know it’s a spin off series about Cleveland from Family Guy. It’s probably shit, but I haven’t been arsed to illegally download it yet so I can’t really pass judgement. Also did I mention Mad Men is back on?

Union: Next Friday sees the Union transformed into Paris for one night only for their Valentine Ball. It’s a shame that the ball is taking its name from An American in Paris and not Last Tango in Paris: having a Marlon Brando lookalike handing out pats of butter as anal lubrication would complete the night I reckon.