F.My.Life.

When you've just humiliated yourself in public, when there's no coming back and no way  of making it better- that's when it's time to cast your eyes up to the ceiling, fall on your knees and exclaim woefully the immortal phrase "Fuck. My. Life."

Today, I received an email from amazon.co.uk. Subject: Your order has been dispatched, thank you for your purchase. Thursday 03:57, £53.99, not a clue. FML

I Facebook-stalked a random fittie who I knew did my subject, only to realise (after logging off) that they were sitting on the computer directly behind me the entire time. FML.

I changed my Hermes password when I was drunk. I have no idea what I changed it to. FML.

I have a to do list that gets two longer every time it gets one shorter. It's the end of week one and I feel like its week five. Cigarettes don't even have the placating effect that they used to. FML.

Last time I was in Fez I pulled a girl. We went back to mine. I fell asleep mid-foreplay. I woke up to find I'd pissed in her handbag in the middle of the night. She was not impressed. FML.

I have an essay due in an hour that I haven't started yet, and all I can do is think of something to write for FML. FML.

My bedder walked in on me masturbating when all she wanted to do was empty my bin. She quickly left and after an hour I thought I'd have another attempt. So did she. FML.

I had an interview with a magic circle law firm this week. Whilst being interrogated on commercial awareness I tapped my foot against the table leg to ease my nerves. It wasn't the table – it was my interviewer's leg. FML.

I didn’t read the labels properly and accidentally brought non-alcoholic wine to a swap. FML.

Last night I got a 'concerned' inbox message from someone on my limited profile with a link to a photo of me that had shown up on his live feed. It was me chugging a bottle of vodka. That message was from my uncle. I'm Muslim. FML.

A creative Facebook rape culminated in me posting on the wall for an S+M group, advertising my desire and availability. In the two hours before I discovered and deleted the post someone replied. He went to my secondary school. FML.

It was the Christmas holidays and I thought I'd survived freshers term quite well. Until a photo of me, mid drunken pull, with my dress disappearing upwards and my bum on full black-panted show, was circulated round a group with 1000+ people. And tagged 3 times. And seen by my old teacher. FML.

I perved at the hot guy in front of me for an entire lecture. Until he winked at me in the reflection on his laptop screen. FML.

My boyfriend and I both applied to law firms for vacation schemes. I’ve had as many rejections as he’s had interviews. I do Law; he’s an Engling. FML

Last night my friends stripped me after formal. There are photos. My pubic hair is on the internet. FML

There’s vomit in my sink and I have no recollection of what happened last night. I have 37 notifications on Facebook. Someone had a camera. FML.

I forgot my parents were coming to visit me today. I was completely naked and still asleep when they knocked on my door. So was the girl I picked up last night. FML.

I ran up and hugged my supervisor when I saw him after a particularly messy formal. A peck on the cheek may have been involved. Supervisions haven't been the same since. FML.

I was uber-keen and wrote my vacation essay on the train to Cambridge, then I realised the train was stopping, panicked, closed my laptop and packed up really quickly. It wasn’t my stop, and I didn’t press save. FML.

I spent twenty minutes trying to work out what lecture I was in today. FML.

I went to a party last night and woke up with a lovebite on my neck. I wasn’t too worried because I’ve got a boyfriend. I just found out he wasn’t at the party last night. FML.

I walked in on my parents having sex doggy style. FML.

I told my friend I hated belly-button piercings. I didn’t know she had one. FML.

NB Clare College Library is called the Forbes Mellon Library; acronym? FML. Coincidence? I hope not.