Your Week Revealed…
The Tab’s resident mystic tells you what’s in your stars this week.
Holding degrees in both Astrologism and Futuronomy (admittedly on a buy-one-get-one-free deal from the Kansas Institute of Scienticians) I think I am the member of The Tab team best suited to interpreting your cosmic fortunes. So, without further ado, settle down dear reader and discover what awaits you over the coming week. Just try to act shocked when it all actually happens to you.
Aries, March 21- April 20
Mercury comes to the fore causing your Hermes to be flooded with e-mails from society mailing lists. Be careful you don’t miss a message from the initials KB, however. Single? Your soul-mate reveals their suitability through their strawpedo prowess.
Taurus, April 21- May 21
Your relationship with your DoS improves after discovering a mutual passion. Be careful not to reveal too much too quickly though or you could be back to square one. Equally, ask for the sauces at Gardies and you may get more than you bargained for.
Gemini, May 22- June 21
Running for JCR President may seem a wise choice but remember you have skeletons in your closet. As long as these aren’t documented on Facebook then Mars mating with the Sun will help you overcome your rivals.
Cancer, June 22- July 22
A sexy mispronunciation leads to success with an athlete. Unfortunately speed on the track might mean speed in the sack. Approach your lecturer in the corridor but only if you have a genuine question; trying to look smart will only have the opposite effect.
Leo, Jul 23- August 23
A rather CUSU focused issue of TCS causes uncomfortable boredom. Keep hold of it though as you may have mop something up later. If this is the result of drunkenness stay calm. Help will come from a friendly porter.
Virgo, August 24- September 22
Try not to tread in forbidden places, especially not a college lawn or a college parent. Only accept cigarettes if you can inhale and only offer Rizlas if you can roll. NatSci? Leading the art student lifestyle my seem attractive but is impossible given your workload.
Libra, September 23- October 23
Saturn in your birth sign brings a beneficial wrong delivery from Dominos. The college bop may seem appealing but remember what happened last time. Head down fifteen minutes before the end and you may be happier all round.
Scorpio, October 23- November 22
All roads lead to the UL if you deal with words not numbers. Knuckle down and you may feel happier at the end of the week. Boatie? Wearing your stash more discretely may bring greater success with an unrequited interest.
Sagittarius, November 23 – December 21
A trip to the Union may bring the fame you’ve always craved. Bear in mind that this might not be for the right reasons. Avoid claiming you’re a ‘Cunning Linguist’ or a ‘Master Debater’ if you want to shake your hero’s hand.
Capricorn, December 22 – January 20
An essay deadline brings focus in all aspects of your life and the Moon steadies your nerves. You will be rewarded with a week of inspired jukebox choices. Let people know that you put the songs on but only if they ask.
Aquarius, January 21 – February 18
An afternoon on the river may seem like a good idea but beware. Only take up the pole if you are comfortable with being called something that rhymes with punt. Remember not to annoy your bedder as she may know more than you think.
Pisces, February 19 – March 20
A message from home may bring mixed blessings if it is from friends not family. The bubble will be burst dramatically if you haven’t watched your money. Seeking refuge in Cindies is never advisable but may be unavoidable.