Tab Rates vs. Tab Slates

Tab Rates

Ariane. Fit, fun and she won't tell everyone on the rugby team that you're gay because you never called her. Can you marry the internet?

Never Mind the Buzzcocks with Noel Fielding. The snazzy attire, the off-the-wall humour…Check out Noel's little face at 12 mins 45 seconds. Classic. Bill Who?

Primark opening. Generating an excitement not seen since the release of the last Harry Potter film. Tip: if tempted to camp out tonight so you can be first in tomorrow (er…), don't wear their clothes to keep out the cold. 20p they might have cost, durable and well-made they ain't.

Sainsbury's staying open till midnight. Apparently this is old news, but The Tab definitely didn't realise this and was overjoyed to stumble across it at 11.45pm, shelves full of food with those yellow discounted stickers that indicate rejection by all other customers that day. Who minds a bit of mould anyway.

Staying in. Cindies faithfuls are dropping like flies: we're broke, it's absolutely baltic outside and Noel's on iPlayer. Stick the kettle on and wallow in premature middle-age.

Tab Slates

Cambridge. It's mid-term and we're all gagging to get out. At this point in term, a day out in Slough would suffice. At least your supervisor can't catch you there.

Gossip Girl. The episodes I've been downloading illegally and watching just don't hit the mark. Internet piracy coming back to bite me in the arse.

Primark snobbery. Whether you pronounce it Primarni or not, it doesn't make it designer. You are misguided in such a belief. Stop being a twat.

Budgetting. You didn't do it to begin with; now it's Week Five and your bank balance is looking pretty sad and the Bank of Mum and Dad are screening your calls. Owch.

Early morning fire drills. Next time it goes off, something better be burning. A lot. And it better not just be your fucking toast.