Trying out flavoured condoms, cock-rings and stockings – from Poundland

My local Poundland has too many treasures to fit into one measly article. I’ve tried the lube, the massage oil and the bullet. Now I’m back, to see if I can get my kicks with a pocketful of change.

The Stockings

You don’t want to leave these out for Father Christmas. I found these “party stockings” in the hen party section of Poundland and thought I’d give them a whirl. These beauties come in one size only and are almost pure polyester, so if things get too hot in the bedroom your legs might literally catch fire. The design is surprisingly classy, although the hot pink bows might not be to everyone’s tastes.

The only drawback is the slight inevitable bulge of flesh where the elastic meets your thigh, but your partner will not notice or care when they see you’ve got some stockings on. All in all these are fun and quite sexy in my opinion, and they have the added bonus of hiding your hairy legs and keeping your toes warm during the winter months. The bow can also be easily removed for those who don’t like the Lolita look.

Surprisingly sexy

The cock-ring

From the makers of the vibrating bullet, it’s the vibrating ring! Using the “Highest Advanced European Technology” it claims to run for up to 25 minutes of pure pleasure. Unlike the bullet this is a once-only gadget, and after my experience I feel that’s no great loss. I didn’t have great confidence in this product when reading the box, which claims that “This innovative “ball chain” rings lets the user having the greatest satisfaction”. Bad grammar is a massive turn-off, and I’m still unclear as to what a ball chain ring is.

The packaging also gives an extremely vague idea of how to turn the product on, so for a good quarter of an hour I believed that it was broken, until it finally gave out a vibration equal to an old and dying bumblebee. It then proceeded to stop and start, delivering inconsistent vibration.  As I write this it sits beside me on the desk, occasionally awakening and whirring like a pet demanding attention.

Vibrating cock rings such as these are designed to help women achieve orgasm through sexual intercourse as well as helping men to last longer, but anatomy isn’t always our friend.  Many women find that if their clitorises are located more than two and a half centimetres away from their vaginal opening they’ll have difficulty orgasming through penetration alone.

Devices like this could maybe help to stimulate the clitoris, but it seems that it doesn’t always reach the goal, as it were. If you find that you have trouble orgasming through penetration or you’d like to see if your partner could last longer, then by all means try a vibrating ring. Just take my advice and don’t try this one, which is barely worth a pound.

Also makes great jewellery

The condoms

Trying these was a first for me, as I’ve never experienced flavoured condoms before. For a pound you get three scrumptious flavours: green apple, chocolate and strawberry. Just to liven things up I decided to whip these out at pre-drinks as a fun group activity. Everyone agreed that these things smell great, though to my mind the strawberry smelt the best. But when it came to taste, I was disappointed.

The lube was unpleasantly greasy and had no flavour at all, though my housemate insisted that I was simply tasting the condoms wrong (he said all the flavour was in the tip). These were a good laugh, and I proved their stretchiness well, so no excuses about being  “too big”, guys.  Would I spend my money on them again?  Probably not.  But there’s nothing wrong with adding a sweet scent into the mix.

Hours of fun with strawberry and chocolate

I hope I’ve inspired you all to look at Poundland not just as a cheap shop, but as a sexy shop, for sexy people. Sure, you could buy a solid gold dildo (if you have $58,000 lying around) or some uncomfortable lingerie, but you’ll have just as good a time in some £1 stockings with a £1 bullet.  After all, everyone knows that a good orgasm is priceless.