The Posh-O-Meter

1. What’s your look?

A) Tweeds and hunting boots. Jowly and horsey. Predilection for horse whips.

B) Snapbacks and stained second-hand clothes – the new Heroin Chic.  You think it’s OK to wear a beanie in a nightclub.

C) Still wearing your sixth form leavers’ hoodie. You like to pull out a gilet.

D) Primark. Lots and lots of Primark.

2. What do you study?

A) Classics with a heavy side order of laughing at povos.

B) Art History (and Pharmacology but that’s in an unofficial capacity).

C) Law – because money makes the world go round.

D) Any other subject, but particularly Sociology, Social Policy or Drama (snigger).

3. What’s an ideal night out in Bristol?

A) After a charming day of hunting and killing small animals, you like to kick back by drinking vintage sherry out of a broken chandelier, before things get absolutely raucous at the lacrosse initiations.

B) Hit a bar in Stokes Croft, then probably rack up a few lines and check out some jungle night or acid rave depending on how much Mandy you’ve dropped and what the vibe is. Later, kick it back to your place to get seriously baked and talk revolutionary politics and the class system.

C) An absolutely CLASSIC night at Lounge! For just a tenner you get four strawpedos, a couple of jagerbombs and a round of toffee vodka shots (#classiclounge). You’ll carry out a tactical chunder in the loos at 10.30pm to the sound of Teenage Dirthbag by Wheatus.

D) You were likely a casualty of the moment the PRYZM queue decided to eat itself on Halloween. The trusty Sainsbury’s Basics range of spirits provides fuel for nights out.

4. What do you do for extra cash?

A) Phone up mummy and get her to ask daddy to top up your trust fund.

B) DJ-ing – and you’re very defensive when this response elicits sniggers from everyone else.

C) Promo for Playhouse.

D) You actually have a proper job like bar work. Or you beg.

5. What are you plans for after you graduate?

A) After you fail every aptitude test for every grad scheme going you go travelling for a while and some twenty years later accidentally end up as a cabinet minister in a Tory government. Shit like that happens to people like you.

B) You want to work in a ‘creative’ industry like advertising and marketing because you never, ever want to wear a tie. You’ll end up paying £700 a week to live in a former Victorian pantry in ‘trendy’ East London.

C) You’re happy to be on a city grad scheme but your big dream is to be Lord Sugar’s apprentice.

D) A job at the local council until your premature death on an NHS waiting list.

Mostly As – Aristocracy

Posh ‘n’ Proud, you embrace your slightly ludicrous heritage. You surround yourself with similar blue-bloods, drink red wine and occasionally decapitate small animals for the lolz. You’re a paid-up member of the Conservative Soc, but you’re actually probably a little too dense for politics.

Mostly Bs – Posho in denial

Look, you’re probably third in line to the throne, and wearing a 90s shell suit with some horrible trainers isn’t fooling anyone. Your penchant for double denim makes you look like an itinerant farmhand from 1920s America, with an accent out of Withnail and I. You snort away around £50 a week, love the ganja and you come from West London. You are a shit DJ.

Mostly Cs – Social climber

The wannabe posho. You probably went to a grammar school or lower tier private school, and true blue-bloods can smell you a mile off. You’re probably having an identity crisis: trying to give impression of privilege, but also being a modern day ‘working class hero’ can be tiring.

Mostly Ds – Pleb

Life’s tough when you’re a prole. State school-educated, and either a bumpkin or from somewhere grim and inner-city. But not a good city: somewhere like Birmingham. If you’re really unlucky you’ll also be northern: truly Bristol’s underclass. You’re the kind of peasant who walks into the Wills library and exclaims, “It’s just like Harry Potter!”