POLL: Which Guild election candidate would win in a fight?

As the Guild Elections get into full gear, more and more balloons, signs and banners litter campus.

But in all this cardboard chaos, one question remains unanswered: which of the candidates would win in a fight?”

Well, we’ve picked the toughest, baddest motherfuckers Student Politics has to offer to make a shortlist. Now it’s up to you to pick which one you think is the candidate who could beat the ever-loving shit out of the others. The choices are:

Poppy Wilkinson

First up is the reigning queen of GFL (Guild Fighting League). Last year she dominated the competition, flooding her opponents under a tidal wave of poppy signs (some spelt better than others).

But let’s be honest, last year’s league was nowhere as tough as this one. Her greatest threat was 85 year old Tetris Tim, and he spent most of his time feeding ducks and telling young’uns off for their loud rap music.

Does she have what it takes to bring it home twice in a row? Hell yeah she does. She knows the only way out of the Guild is in a body-bag.

Strength: She’s a Law graduate, so after she’s kicked your arse, she can sue you for it too.

Weakness: Blurred Lines.

Maximilian A Shapiro Esq.

The poshest man in existence, this guy might be landed, but he’s no gentry.

Maximilian once applied to be on Made In Chelsea but was told he was “too white bread”. Ever since then he has carried a burning hatred in his heart. He transferred from the MDRTYL (My Daddy’s Richer Than Yours League)  to the GFL to get more practise. If he wins he vows to defeat Jamie Laing in the Cross-Divisional Playoffs .

Until then, watch out. He won’t beat you up himself, he has people to do that for him. But his years of fox hunting and grouse shooting have left him so desensitised to violence that he could have you cut up into pieces and dissolved in acid.

Strength: Having all of the money.

Weakness: Heavy waxed jacket and wellies may slow him down.

Themistoklis Pagoudis

You think this guy’s name is difficult to say now, trying saying it without any teeth and a mouthful of blood.

This guy brings more pain than his name brings inexplicable vowels. In fact he shares a name with the famous Ancient Athenian General.

It sure is lucky that one of Themistokles Pagoudis’ policies is better access to healthcare for students because some of the other candidates are probably going to need it.

Strength: He’s named after a FUCKING GENERAL.

Weakness: Fans may be tentative about supporting a fighter with such a difficult name to chant.

“Curious” George Derbyshire

He may look like a bit of a softie, but his years spent in the jungle with apes have toughened him into the perfect fighting, feces throwing animal.

Strength: Curiosity.

Weakness: Curious George is a terrible movie.

Frankie “Says Relax” Greenwell

Dressed in orange from his latest spell in an Arizona Supermax prison, you’d better believe this guy is in it to win it. Or at least cause some motherfuckers some serious pain.

Strength: Stop worrying about his strengths – just relax.

Weakness: Lazy. Just look at him.

Where’s Wadim

Donning the famous red and white striped outfit, you’d better find him before it’s too late.

Don’t let the wide glasses fool you, he’s already seen you. “Where’s wadim” isn’t juts his slogan, it’s the last thing his enemies say before he appears behind them with a butcher’s knife.

Strength: Ability to blend seamlessly into any background; assuming it’s red and white.

Weakness: Being found.

Julie “Jaffa Cake” Ledesma

Part cake, part biscuit, part killing machine. This McVitie’s maniac is made of a crumbly base of crazy, coated in a smooth layer of death. What’s her favourite thing to dip Jaffa Cakes in? Your blood.

Strength: Zesty.

Weakness: Her arch nemesis, Digestive Dan.

Ben “Pirate” Puusta

Sure, he looks like the offspring of Milton Jones, but you know who else he looks like, Nick Nolte.

Puusta hails from the infamous PFL (Pirate Fighting League), a league that holds all it’s fights in international waters so they can break various laws.

In fact the footage of the final that Ben won is now an internationally recognised snuff film.

Strength: Looks like he’d put up a good fight.

Weakness: His piracy skills may be less effective on a ground based campaign.

Captain Jack Mably

 

An old PFL rival of Puusta’s, Captain Jack too has plenty of experience fighting dirty. Plus if he’s on anything like as many drugs as Johnny Depp was playing Jack Sparrow (sorry, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow) he’s pretty much immune from pain.

Strength: Unlike Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley, Pirates of The Caribbean didn’t ruin his career.

Weakness: Ben “Pirate” Puusta.

Stuart “Neverlost” Found

The arch nemesis of “Where’s Wadim”, this candidate prides himself on one thing; always knowing exactly where the fuck he is.

Strength: Orienteering.

Weakness: Could be replaced by a half decent SATNAV.

RON

The most suspicious of all the fighters RON (or Re-Open Nominations to his friends) failed to show up for a single match last year.

Some claim he isn’t actually even a person but more of an idea. If true, that could be damning for RON. Ideas are specifically forbidden from entering the GFL after the inconclusive Ennui VS Apathy semi final of 2010.

Strength: Might exist.

Weakness: Might not.

The Tab would like to clarify that no journalistic endeavour took place in the making of this article, we relied solely on the imagination of the writer. Needless to say, it’s all a joke.

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