10 Ways to Procrastinate Like a True Warwick Student
Because being productive was never an option.
You have three essays, four seminars and a hundred pages of reading to do… But it's all due next week? Bloody hell, It's too early to start now.
You have to procrastinate, but there's nothing worth watching on Netflix. So… What can you do to keep yourself busy at Warwick?
Here are the top ten ways to waste time while proudly representing our dear goose-infested university. Perform at your own risk.
1. Drool over employers at networking events
Wear your finest clothes, practise your serious voice and fight to the death with your peers so you can get a glimpse at the PwC gods. You’ll lose your dignity, but you’ll earn a memory that will last a lifetime.
Time Spent Procrastinating (TSP): 1-2 hours per session.
Pro tip: Laminate your CVs so they don’t get soggy from your sweat and saliva.
2. Start a new unnecessary society
Want to meet with like-minded people, who wear distinctive clothes so everyone knows who you hang with? No, don’t join a society – start your own society!
It will look great on your CV, as you will be showing key interpersonal skills such as leadership and teamwork, among others.
TSP: 1 month – 3 years.
Pro tip: Create an unnecessary amount of Exec. roles so that everyone gets a groovy job title.
3. Have a loud conversation in the quiet study areas
Whether it’s in the Library or Grid, the quiet areas are the perfect place to catch up. Let everyone know that you have friends by increasing your decibels until your throat implodes.
TSP: 30 minutes before you get kicked out (but move on to a new venue to maximise your daily procrastination).
Pro tip: Speak in French to trigger Brexiteers and WarwickLovers.
4. Beef with flatmates
The social experience is one of the most important aspects of university life, and there’s no better way to bring your flat together than by stealing cutlery or setting off the fire alarm at 4 a.m. after burning your toast. Enjoy several hours away from your work while arguing your way out of the havoc you wreak.
TSP: Up to a full academic year if done correctly.
Pro tip: If your flatmates get aggressive, FaceTime your parents so they can step in a defend you.
5. Come up with a new excuse for why you are an Oxbridge reject
You need a solid explanation because it’s the only thing people care about, obviously. Be prepared – spit out your excuse before they have the chance to say hi. That’ll show ‘em who’s boss.
TSP: You should have a robust list of reasons in around 2-3 hours.
Pro tip: Say you chose Warwick for its nightlife.
6. Learn the lyrics to Mr. Brightside
Technically, you should know them already (it was one of the requirements of your conditional offer). Besides, how else are you gonna pull at Pop?
TSP: 1 hour, potentially more depending on the course you do. (Sociology students it should take you 4 hours.)
Pro tip: Pull an all-nighter in the library to memorise the words, then constantly talk about how sleep-deprived you are for the rest of the week.
7. Queue for the U1 bus (Leamington or Uni Interchange)
“But Leam is so much nicer than Coventry!” moaned Sarah as the fifth Stagecoach bus passed by her without stopping, making her 3 hours late to her seminar. Legend says she is still waiting to get on the bus.
TSP: 30 minutes – 12 hours.
Pro tip: Pay your ticket in 10p coins and watch your peers snap.
8. Write for The Tab
Why else would I be writing this?
TSP: 2 months – 2 years
Pro tip: Put off writing your first article to procrastinate on your procrastination and achieve some Inception-level skills.
9. Assert your dominance over Coventry University
Wave those rankings in the air! Do a thousand push-ups in the middle of Coventry Uni's SU! Bump your chest and howl at its students! Anything to establish your superior intellectual ability. Your ego will thank you.
TSP: 1 day – 18 weeks.
Pro tip: Enrol at Coventry University and get the best of both worlds like your girl Hannah Montana.
10. Try to find something worth photographing in Coventry
This one’s only for experienced procrastinators. Take a tent and a survival kit – you will need them.
TSP: A lifetime.
Pro tip: To make this truly challenging, don’t use filters.