Warwick Uni students: Here are the seven types of flatmates in every first year kitchen

1.Mummy’s Boys

These are the freshers that the move to uni will hit the hardest. Although at first glance they may be sweet and social, by term two you’ll be pulling your hair out. In Freshers’ Week, expect to see this type of boy arriving with a year’s supply of batch cooked meals made by their mum and enough emergency Pot Noodles to feed a nation. Throughout the year, you’ll never see them cook anything that isn’t in labelled tupperware from home, a ready meal packet or a Deliveroo bag. Whilst they may not take the bins out or do their washing up, the benefit of this sensitive flatmate is that his mum will always be grateful for you keeping her precious baby boy alive.

2. The future prime minister

Whilst I acknowledge the importance of politics, it’s also a topic that very much has its own time and place. And that time and place is definitely not Fresher’s Week. Over a game of ‘Ring of Fire’, nobody wants to talk Thatcherite social policy or Marxism in the modern age. Whilst this person’s views may be adored in their PAIS/PPE circles, it will not win over many other new friends who simply want light-hearted chit chat and a couple of vodka shots. Nobody wants to discuss Brexit at Pop.

3. Mini almond mums

This is the type of girl who manages to install a sense of inferiority in everyone who crosses her path. In her linen trousers and skinny scarf, you can only presume she arrived at Warwick after a rejection from Exeter. Every morning she’s up at 6am making green juice in her NutriBullet when the rest of the flat is asleep. She’ll scoff at your processed Iceland meals and always have a handful of almonds or pistachios to thrust in your direction instead. She’s also totally unafraid of sticking a passive aggressive message on the groupchat. So expect your only moment to breathe being when she pops over to her weekly yoga class.

4. Gordon Ramsey 2.0

Whilst it’s nice to have flatmates who you can cook with, it’s far less nice to live with someone who’s a permanent kitchen dweller taking up every available workspace.  With seven chopping boards, a blender, an Air Fryer and the most extensive spice rack you’ve ever seen, suddenly you’re wishing this person found a new personality trait beyond their grade eight in GCSE Food Tech. When you want to rustle up a speedy bowl of pesto pasta after a long day of lectures, the last thing you want to hear is the culinary feats of this eager chef who is still marinating their chicken after five hours.

5. The fridge fiend

Nobody is safe if you are living with the dreaded fridge fiend. It may start off subtle, with them taking a splash of milk or blob of ketchup. But if this theft goes unchecked, it won’t be long before whole items are disappearing and your cupboards are bare. This member of the flat can often go undetected, but by the end of the year it’s guaranteed you’ll be cursing their hidden identity as it begins to feel like nobody’s shelf in the fridge is safe.

6. Shameless seducers

Some people struggle with commitment issues – but won’t let this deter them from making the most of their first year of freedom. These such flatmates often also struggle with noise level control… and whilst you may be happy they’re having a fun time with a new acquaintance, you do not need to hear it to believe it. If you live with such a character maybe invest in some earplugs and ensure they’re regularly oiling their bed frame.

7. The ghost

They’re nowhere and everywhere all at once. They’re an enigma. Missing for Freshers’ Week. Never completing their bin removal duties. Never seen cooking a meal. You wonder who they are? Where they are? What is their secret? It can be hard to decipher whether their absence is due to them hating you or whether they’re leading a double life as a secret agent. But either way, by the end of the year, I guarantee you will be no more clued up on the character of this ominous figure in your flat.

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