What your halls say about you

Gutted if you’re in Shitefields

You’re more than halfway through the first term and the old “what accommodation are you in?” chat is dying down.

It’s time to find out what your halls really say about you.

Arthur Vick and Jack Martin

These two accommodations don’t even deserve separate descriptions because they are exactly the same.

Although, some say that AV might be slightly better in terms of social life. Sure, you’re not a dull individual, but unfortunately your accommodation is. Somewhere in-between Rootes and Bluebell, AV and JM sit awkwardly trying to be both and ending up being neither.

You are undoubtedly a really nice person who is on a straight path to doing well at university. You are probably… normal.


You do PPE, your parents most likely own a yacht, you speak eight languages and you are an international student paying double tuition fees, so what is an extra 7 grand spent on accommodation?

If you aren’t any of those listed, good luck. You will spend the rest of the year wishing you’d paid attention to Madame Etaix at French GCSE, so you could eavesdrop on the latest gossip about the girl Jean-Baptiste brought back last week after Toast.


It’s in the name, you’ll probably be crying when you move in. Being the cheapest accommodation on campus, rumour is it’s just grim. A couple of serious fights broke out last year, so you’re probably pretty rowdy… and if you aren’t, you’d better grow a backbone my friend.


Who even lives there? If you’re a fresher, get ready to become mature beyond your years as you make friends with final years and post grads.


To be fair, being the biggest accommodation on campus, Rootes gets the strangest mixture of individuals. You will meet the coolest people there or just the weirdest.

You are either trying to find yourself or already have on your gap yah. The majority of your flatmates will brag about the drugs that they have never actually done before uni. Oh and once they do, you will never hear the end of it.

You have learned to love filth, because that’s the only way to cope with the grimy state of the kitchens. Your resident tutors probably hate you because of the endless drum and bass that penetrates the flimsy walls of the whole building. Sleep is overrated anyway, isn’t that why you chose Rootes?

The nightly fire alarms will make sure you don’t get much of it. You will stand outside in the cold at 3am contemplating life whilst facing Bluebell, and, look over there, its bloody Jean-Baptiste bringing back another girl from Toast.

Incidentally, it was probably some wavy garm-wearing pothead with the munchies burning his toast that has left you out here in the first place. One thing for certain though, you will meet A LOT of people.


You probably applied for Bluebell and didn’t get it. You now hate life because you feel like you are even further away from campus than Westwood.

At least they get to be close to the Post Room and the Tarkett, while you get nothing but fields and lakes. Instead of going out, you enjoy going for a pub quiz night and are relatively quiet. Your flatmates are probably quite weird and if they’re not, you know who the weird one is…


You will have trouble pronouncing it and yes, you have feared the worst. It’s pronounced “toss-il” and the clue is in the name. Now open to first year undergraduates, its trying to be the new Rootes and its just not.


“Who even needs central campus?” you often hear yourself ask. “At least the post room is close to me and – and … TESCO.”

It’s okay to admit that we all make mistakes sometimes. You probably put Westwood as your last choice and you still ended up getting shipped to the other side of the campus. Westwood is pretty normal with quite a few international students there that aren’t as cliquey as the ones in Bluebell.

Again, you probably aren’t too outrageous of an individual and have come to university to have a good time.


They don’t call it “Shitefields” for nothing.

You will take a liking to saunas at the end of the winter because Whitefields are literally 24/7 steamed up sheds. What’s more relaxing than that?