Here’s how to host a romance-free night out this Valentine’s Day, St Andrews style

Rule number 1: don’t RSVP with emojis


Valentine’s Day is coming up and, in a town as small as St Andrews, it can be hard to avoid anyone. For those that have tried to get with you in the Union, or even someone who you think might want to ask you out, what better way to tell your unrequited crush that you are not interested than friend zoning them on this day of commercial love?

We've compiled a how-to guide to holding a platonic evening, dare I say Palentine's Day, for those people who can’t seem to take a hint.
Even the most lovestruck of individuals will get the message from your perfectly FRIENDly night of dining. We suggest hosting a potluck, it's St Andrews at the end of the day, to make friendship the aim of the game.

Pre-Dinner

Every dinner party needs a pre-dinner activity. We recommend you draw inspiration from the origin of Valentines Day by holding a vigil for St. Valentine for whom the day was named after. Or a vigil for your failed relationships. Some options you can choose from for honouring the saint include a candlelight vigil or an enactment of his death by beating an effigy with a golf club and then beheading it. This indicates that your intent is to celebrate the orthodox and loveless version of the holiday.
Or you could pregame with shots…of espresso

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Dress Code

Sartorial guidance is necessary for events like this where the occasion of a holiday like Valentine’s is juxtaposed with the informality of a potluck. For those looking for something more abstract we suggest using a phrase like “the Union’s Lost and Found” or “Dervish after the bop” and leaving it up to interpretation. It is also a great vetting process to separate those who half-heartedly attend and those who are committed.

The Menu

The most important part of a potluck is, of course, the menu. We recommend having a garlic theme to communicate to them that you are unconcerned about if your breath may deter them from getting to any base. For drinks, we recommend a Pablo, which is the more fiscally responsible choice-the pragmatic libation for practical people

Seating Chart

There are now restaurants where diners eat in solitude to devote their attention fully to the food. This is the perfect format for those looking for a way to avoid conversation. Make sure to sit friends next to friends. Create a physical representation of your barriers by separating each guest with a partition. If don’t own a partition or prefer more metaphorical barriers, we recommend arranging the space into the same formation as the top floor of the library. For this floor plan, recommend enforcing the same quiet policy designating someone (i.e. your flatmate) to deal with noise complaints.

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Post-Dinner

If you looking for another activity to discourage conversation, we recommend watching any film adaption of Arthur Miller’s plays. On the top of our list is the 1996 adaptation of the Crucible starring Winona Ryder as Abigail Williams, the first accuser in the Salem witch trials. Better yet, get a copy of the script and act it out, casting each of guests as one of the women you accuse of witchcraft.

What better way to end the night then with some critically acclaimed theatre (that is also sure to kill any possibility for romantic activity) so that you can go off into the night single and, with two consenting parties, ready to mingle.