18 things the bartender wants to say to you but can’t, by an actual bartender

We really do see EVERYTHING

For any bartender, like any hospitality job, customer service is key. However while they put on a charming smile and mind their P’s and Q’s, that doesn’t mean they’re not mentally screaming obscenities in their head about you when you’re ordering six Jägerbombs, two with sugar-free Red Bull, three double rum and cokes and three shots of vodka on a busy Wednesday night while the rugby lads are chanting for the fourth time tonight. Here are 18 things your bartender wants to say to you but for the sake of their job they can’t.

1. DO NOT click or whistle at me

Clicking, whistling, waving or beckoning at me in any way is a sure fire way to get served last. We know who came in what order, we’re a lot more sober than you.

2. Don’t order in a weird way

The right way to order is in a specific and efficient manner; size, spirit, mixer, for example “Double JD Coke.” NOT “Coke…oh yeah make that a JD double”.

3. We lip-read a lot

Especially in a nightclub we have to rely on lipreading because we can barely hear over the music. So speak clearly, loudly and don’t cover your mouth.

4. But do brush your teeth before a night out

Or at least have a stick of gum before order. We don’t want to smell the spag bol and garlic bread you had to line your stomach before coming out.

5. Please don’t decide what you and your 6 mates want at the bar

Theres literally seven people behind you waiting for a drink looking at me like I’m the one delaying everything.

6. We see everything

By everything we mean EVERYTHING. From cheaters to idiotic antics to embarrassing dance moves, we mean everything.

7. Don’t vape into my face

I don’t care how bad your nicotine addiction is, wait until you’ve got your drinks to go away and suck on your USB looking Elf Bar.

8. Some of your girlfriends have hit on us

Focus on yourselves kings.

9. We’re the bar, not the DJ

The next person to ask me to play In da Club by 50 Cent I’m going to hit. Do you see decks behind this bar?

10. Don’t touch us

Especially in the facial region. First of all I don’t need your grubby mitts messing up my skincare, and second of all it’s an invasion of my personal space.

11. When ordering a massive round, make the all the drinks the same or similar

Don’t order “three double vodkas, two with Diet Coke, one with orange, then one pink gin and lemonade, and two rum and cokes, one diet and make the diet a single. And can we have all the cokes without ice. Oh and also seven Jägerbombs”. And now I’ve got about one minute to process that mess and serve the drinks. Not easy.

12. Tipping is encouraged

You will get priority service for the rest of the night. And service with a smile.

13. ‘Can I have a shot?’

A shot of what? We have seven different types of spirits, and of each type of spirits around five different flavours and brands. Pick one!

14. We don’t decide the prices

So don’t try and bargain like you’re in a Turkish bazaar.

15. If you’re with your partner don’t expect ultra fast service

To be brutally honest, no incentive.

16. Hygiene

Just basic hygiene, which apparently goes out the window after a couple of drinks. For example, do not finger someone then pay in cash. Yes this is a surprisingly regular occurrence.

17. Make sure you’ve got enough money before the night out

Look lads it’s the biggest ick when you’re trying to buy a worldie a drink and your card is declined. No it’s not a problem with my card reader, and yes I’m embarrassed for you. I’m close to buying it for you, it’s only £2.50.

18. Attractive people do get priority

Pretty privilege is real.

Overall, as long as you’re polite and take care of the bartender, the bartender will take care of you. So go out and remember that your bartender is probably at uni as well, so could be looking at you during your next hungover seminar with crystal clear memory of all the atrocities you committed.

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