Varsity Chants 2016: The best and the worst

Every year the Sheffield Varsity competition culminates in a few heated days of inter-uni sport, after which one side of the age-old feud earns bragging rights for the rest of the year. The climax of the entire championship is the always hotly contested ice hockey match, which is hilarious for one reason: the anti-Hallam chants.

Some of these chants are excellent banter, and some of them are really quite offensive. It’s up to you how many you join in on. It all depends on the strength of your conscience. We’ll start with the tamer, more vanilla chants and build up with offensiveness as the list goes on. Here’s a rundown of the best and worst that the Uni of ranks have to offer.

The best bit about this photo is the sad Hallam fans in the background

Give me a D!

A timeless classic. “Give me a D. Give me a D! Give me an E! What does that get you? Into Hallam!”

This one is a lovely, softcore entry into the harsh world of Varsity chants, purely because it’s entirely factually correct, so the Hallam fans never have a comeback for it.

Two D’s and a Swimming Badge

Continuing on the theme of entirely factual and thus banterous chants, this one again targets the notoriously low standards of our former poly counterparts. Just simply belt out on repeat “Two D’s and a swimming badge, two D’s and a swimming badge”.

Rumour has it that as high as 45% of Hallam applicants in 2015 did in fact include their 25m back-stroke badge on their UCAS statements.

We Go Somewhere You Don’t Go

If you’re ever in doubt that Hallam students aren’t reminded often enough by Yik Yak, Corp one night stands, and their disappointed parents that they go to a shitter version of Sheffield Uni, whack this one out. “We go somewhere you don’t go, Uni, Uni” is a favourite of newer and experienced Uni of supporters alike.

The real victors this year are all the students who got into Sheffield

Uni Was Your First Choice

There’s a theme developing at this point. But there’s no shame in it. Everybody at Hallam wishes they were at Uni of, that’s just a logical deduction. Have they seen their SU? Don’t be afraid to target them for it: “Uni was your first choice na na na na”.

What D’you Think of Hallam?

Borrowed from the absolutely classic Arsenal vs Tottenham chant of internet fame, this slightly more expletive-laden number uses the classical choral ‘call and response’ format. Utilise this – pick your loudest, most banterous lad and have him lead the cacophonous chorus.

“What d’you think of Hallam? Shit! What d’you think of Shit? Hallam! Thankyou! That’s Alright! We Hate Hallam…” etc. Chaos is almost entirely ensured to ensue at this point. A real rabble-rouser.

Top Twenty Sunday Times List

This one is incredibly funny simply because of the matter-of-fact nature of the chant. We know our place (exactly), and we’re more than happy to laud it over the Hallamites. “Top twenty Sunday Times List, na na na na” is quite a rare one as well, so it’ll make people laugh all the more if you belt it out at the Motorpoint this week.

She looks nice, but she’ll kick off when it comes to Varsity ice hockey

What’s That Coming Over the Hill?

Now, the darker, more ‘edgy’ chants come out. The ones which really tread the line of what you’re willing to shout at another human being. To the tune of Glamorgan indie rock four-piece The Automatic’s ‘Monster’, this one’s blatant prejudice speaks for itself. “What’s that coming over the hill? It’s unemployment, it’s unemployment!”

Your Dad Works For My Dad

Another of the many class-based anti-Hallam chants loved by some sections of the Uni of support, and another tune of the ‘na na na na’ variety, the less said about this one the better. People still love it, though. And if you haven’t been to the ice hockey before, you had better believe that you might be looking down on some of these chants now, but you absolutely will join in with this one come Wednesday.

Have You Ever Seen a Tenner? (Have You Fuck)

Another call and response banger, favoured by the loudest and poshest of the Uni of fans and teams – we’re looking at you Women’s Hockey Club. When partnered with the positively Thatcherite tactic of waving an actual ten pound note in the general direction of the ‘poly lot’, this one is sure to wind the opposition up. A lot.

Spurred on by the banter of hundreds of raucous uni of fans

We Pay Your Benefits

Another theme is clearly developing here, and most of these chants it really is up to you whether or not you join in or not. However, if you do get fed up of ‘Your dad works for my dad’, but you really feel the need to continue the general vibe of class warfare, this is a great option.

Stand Up If You Know Your Dad

See above.

They’re Young, They’re Dumb…

This one, literally only reserved for the rowdiest, lewdest lads on tour this Varsity, is pretty much too awful to publish. But it does happen occasionally: “They’re young, they’re dumb, they’re full of uni cum, Hallam girls”. It’s up to you whether you sink to this level or not – you can take it or leave it. (Leave it).

Bonus chant: championé, championé, ole ole ole!

UNAAYYYY

The best chant of the lot really does unite all sides of the Uni fans in our mutual interest: beating Hallam. Just shout “unayyy, unayyy” over and over again, and you’ll not have a bad time this Varsity. Because of course, when we win, it isn’t about putting the opposition down any more. They’re already done that enough to themselves.

We all want to #BeatHallam. It’s up to us how graciously we do it.