Dan Bean’s views on news: The man, the myth and the legend talks current affairs

We caught up with the Broomhill Friery sensation to talk Malia, monarchy, and MH370.

It was early Friday evening and we descended on Broomhill in a state of near-hysteria.

Rumours of a secret Friery VIP room and the hope of an introduction to doner making had left us both giddy, and sickeningly nervous.

The welcoming lights of the Friery drew us closer, and as we clocked the enigma himself waiting to greet us in a luscious full suit, we were soon breaking into a light jog down Whitham Road.

We weren’t disappointed.

Hospitable as ever, Dan offered us both a cold beverage and let us play Chip Shop behind the counter as he changed into his Tab t-shirt.

We made our way into what, in all fairness, was an impeccably kept kitchen, and he asked if we’d like him to hold a lettuce while we asked the questions.

Yes, please Dan.

Sadly, the interview had to draw to a close at some point .”Dan you shouldn’t have!” we exclaimed, as he emerged from upstairs with two goody bags in one hand, and two figs in cake wrappers in the other.

There’s been a wave of burglaries in the Broomhill and Crookes area recently, have you had any problems at the Friery?

No, you have to do deterrents. So like maybe make a sign that says “beware of the dog”. Then a thief will look at that and think it looks well secure.

Classic. Were you pleased about Falafel King’s abysmal food hygiene rating?

Yeah, yeah but I think It’s a different market. Like for vegetarians and stuff

Aside from dodgy falafel, what do you think are the biggest issues students are facing?

Probably homesickness.

As our Sheffield MP, there’s a lot of distaste for Nick Clegg among students. What do you think about that?

Is he? I didn’t know that.

What are you like eh Dan? Given the recent Subway saga, what’s the Friery policy on halal?

Most of what we sell in the Friery is Halal, I’m all about the quality and halal is much better.

What’s your personal opinion on halal?

I don’t really discuss politics with people.

Okay, lad culture. What do you think about it?

How people are when they are 21 is different to how they will be at 27. They’ll be more family orientated.

Is David Cameron doing enough in the fight against ISIS?

I haven’t really been following that to be honest. I’m very pre-occupied in the business and trying to look after my family.

That’s okay Dan, it’s complicated. Israel and Palestine – whose side are you on?

I haven’t really been following that either.

You must have gone to see the Tour De France though Dan? Weren’t you cycling in it actually?

No I was actually in Malia. Then Benidorm.

How was that for you?

It’s kind of like Blackpool.

Who killed Lucy Beale Dan?

I’ve never really had time to watch telly, I’ve never watched the news. I prefer reading books.

Oh lovely, what sort of books do you read?

I like philosophers’ ones.

Not just a pretty face are you Dan! What philosophers do you read?

No. It’s just like a general one but you can pick good bits out of it.

You’ve probably read Plato then?

Yeah that book’s quite confusing but I’ve read it a bit. They’re the sort of life skills we need to be learning from a young age.

You bet they are Dan. Is the royal baby going to be a boy or a girl?

Boy.

You were very sure about that. What would you name him?

Harry.

Dan, you can’t do that. Come on. Something out the box – if Kate and Will emailed you and said “Dan Bean- name our baby” what would it be?

Oh right. Brian probably.

Will’s batting above his average a bit isn’t he?

Yeah but he has a good aura and that’s what the women look for.

Harry’s a bit of a cheeky Prince though. Like you. You wouldn’t see Will naked in Las Vegas. Is that appropriate?

Well, different countries have different rules don’t they?

Speaking of which,  Kim Jong U-

No. Who’s that?

North Korean dictator Dan. Moving on closer to home – why did Scotland vote no?

I went to Scotland actually and I was impressed.

Where is MH370?

What’s that?

The commercial plane that went missing out of the sky last March. What’s your conspiracy theory?

No I hadn’t heard about that actually.