Why pizza is better than a boyfriend

There is a moment when you’re out in a club surrounded by sweaty guys popping shapes.

And then you think, “Hey, you know what? I don’t wanna go home with any of these guys. I wanna go home with a pizza. Wouldn’t that be better?” And you’d be right. Here’s why.

1. Pizza won’t talk back

You can have an educated chat, without hearing about all their other exploits, FIFA and how they’re going to smash some pints later. Pizza may not talk, but you know exactly what he’d be saying if he did. “Seriously that Onesie is so flattering on your figure!” “Is that garlic and herb dip in your hair? I love it!” “Yes! Please, please can we watch The Notebook for the twenty third time?”

You can tell him all your secrets and you know for sure he’s not judging you for ordering a large. And two sides of chips and gravy. And the chicken dippers. If anything he respects you for it; he knows you’re fabulous, he knows you’re a princess, and he damn well treats you like one.

“You look great in this slanket!”

2. Pizza Can Solve Any Problem You’ve had an abominable day. You’ve got a collection of tumour like spots colonising your entire forehead, an impending deadline and nothing but a long lost jelly and a stale naan bread in your fridge.

He knows what to do. With a few quick clicks of an app you can be in bed with a big box of hot carby goodness; without having to get dressed, be nice, or leave the confines of your own home.

3. Pizza never plays it cool

Need some space? Busy doing other things? Having second thoughts? Pizza doesn’t take no for an answer; he fights for you. You’ll hear him calling from the kebaby down the street, even if you haven’t spoken in weeks. Reignite your love and return to his warm embrace.

“I’m so happy to be with you.”

4. Pizza gets you

Happy? Sad? Indifferent? Whatever mood you’re in there’s a combination of toppings to complement it. And if there’s not? Half and half, make your own, just chuck whatever’s in your fridge on there.

You never have to take him shopping, supervise his purchases or make a “burn-pile” of forbidden clothing; pizza looks great wearing sausage, salami or smoked bacon. Or all three.

So versatile

5. Pizza always apologises

In the rare yet tragic circumstance of a mistake with your order; saggy peppers, wrong sort of crust, 6 fewer chicken wings than expected, all it takes is a quick phone call and you have yourself a profuse apology and a fresh order sent straight over.

No silent protests, arguing or insults; pizza knows when he’s done wrong, and he’ll  do anything to win you back.

“You are just SO lovely”

6. Tastes even better cold

Picture that all too familiar, satisfied pizza coma. You’re curled up in the fetal position nursing the 15,000 calories you’ve just consumed and you have no regrets. It’d be easy to think it doesn’t get better than this; but we all know pizza is just as good, if not better when eaten cold for breakfast. That beaming smile just never leaves his face. No morning breath, no mood swings, no mean comments about the way you breathe in your sleep; pizza just keeps on giving.

Candlelit pizza for two