Where’s best to live: Crookesmoor

Price – ££

Atmosphere – Very thin

Likelihood of being caught up in a sting operation – Moderate

A cracking view

Ah Crookesmoor, idyllic and slanty, it’s your very own slice of Hobbiton. If Hobbiton was bought up by Barratt Homes.

Apart from being a mere fifteen to twenty minutes downhill to the Union, it boasts some superb views of Sheffield, and the walk past Crookes Valley Park every morning is guaranteed to perk you up, even on the way to a post-Corp Thursday 9am.

Perky

The area accommodates a deluge of absolute gems for your food shop, and for those days when you just can’t be bothered to cook for yourself. Beanies is a godsend for those long-haired vegetarian types, while Beeches of Walkley is a fifteen minute walk away for all your meat, cheese and ale needs.

Between the two you can find the Dram Shop, a sophisticated offy, for those who prefer their liquor obscure, their wines expensive and their beer kegged.

But beware, the organic produce and verdant leafery hide a dark, sinister underbelly. For at least the first two months of term you will be approached approximately fortnightly by tiny tracksuited youths attempting what they call ‘Self-promotion’. It’s what I call, ‘Endeavouring to pedal weed.’

If you tell them no, you don’t smoke weed, thanks very much, they will disappear into the murk of Weston Park for fear you are working with the Feds. Or chase you down Barber Road thinking you’re attempting the hard sell. Which is awkward.

For drinking, the Hally House and newly renovated Closed Shop offer cosy atmospheres, quizzes and a combination of pool and snooker tables for the casual drinker.

But, alas, Division Street is a near insurmountable distance away, making any trip to trendy bars a trek of such ludicrous proportions it’ll be like living in Ranmoor. But people will make fewer jokes. Because everyone good lives in Crookesmoor. There, I said it.