Class, care and caution: The official user’s guide to day drinking
Practice, prepare, perform
Much like arson, day drinking is an artform that can take many arduous years to master. Any day in which you have your first tipple of alcohol before 4pm you will find yourself form traversing a tightrope where one wrong step can lead you plummeting down the valley of humiliation, chundering and worst of all: not making it out.
Here are the essential Tab tips to making it through a day of drinking.
Day drinking requires a lot of mental preparation. It's a good idea to spend some time, ideally a week, before the big day in a peaceful and meditative state.
Abstain from recklessness, stay chaste and increase your carbs. Your body and mind must be in a malleable state with plenty of energy for the challenge that awaits it.
Lack of preparation can lead to an afternoon spent with your head resting against the cold rim of a toilet.
Always exercise the three Cs: class, care and caution.
Be smart with what you drink. A cold pint is an elongated delight but after hours of drinking them exhaustion settles in. You start to feel the boundless force of gravity on every inch of your body. Especially your eyelids as they slowly descend with each sip. Don't let go. Never let go.
A wiser choice of drink is a gin and tonic. Beyond the undertones of toxic masculinity, a gin and tonic is a refreshing drink that will only invigorate and inspire the person drinking it. It is the drink of someone with prospect and purpose.
Furthermore, getting tiddled by consuming a smaller quantity of fluids will lead to a reduction in trips to the toilet and greater energy conservation. If you do opt for pints, perhaps invest in a catheter.
When you're drunk, reality is a game you're winning hands down. You must act sober to avoid a day walker rumbling you and pissing on your biscuits. If caught drunk in the day an untimely ASBO may be heading your way.
When conversing, end every sentence with the pronoun, 'sir', 'madame' or 'Mister Gepetto' so people do not feel disrespected and begin to question your tenuous sobriety.
If caught out run for your life and hide until the dust settles. Utilise the foetal position and close your eyes if finding a space is too hard.
Location, location, location
Drink somewhere you feel safe like a blanket fort or bomb shelter. It's better to be drunk on the cheap own brand alcohol you can buy for yourself. That way the money you spend on drinks later won't feel as painful.
When you decide to start drinking in the public realm be sure to keep your wits about you and drink somewhere safe.
Anyone who has watched The Titanic knows too well that falling asleep is like the tender kiss of death.
You may feel the urge to go back for a nap to 'sharpen up'. The alcohol streaming through your blood will make this a nap that lasts a small millennia. Fight your primitive urges.
Do not have a coffee to stay awake since that is a classless gateway to sobriety. Instead, why not try a Jagerbomb? If you are someone who does not enjoy a Jagerbomb then try a Jagerbomb with a pro-plus or berocca in. Cure the hangoever the day before.
The joy of day drinking is endless! It's much cheaper than an excursion to Blackpool Pleasure Beach and your heating bill.
Day drinking is an achievable goal for the day. A bottle of wine with breakfast is an unforgettable achievement in itself.
Despite societal norms, it's is a wholesome treat for any day at all. Its application stretches far beyond that of commemorating Noam Chomsky day or the fertility of a Kardashian.
Just have fun with it. Do it your way (providing you follow this guide to the letter).