A definitive ranking of London unis based on where the nearest Greggs is

We know what you’re thinking – at last, some necessary, serious content from the Tab. You can stop holding your breath, count your lucky stars and write to your friends and family, because FINALLY you can find out where your London uni stands based on the only true scale.

That one true scale is based on a bakery so beautiful that it fills uni students’ lecture dazes with stuffed pastry like no other. I don’t think we’re exaggerating when we say that you probably know a lot of people that would murder for Greggs.

Behold, a definitive, analytical and empirically exact ranking of London unis based on where the nearest Greggs is. You just can’t argue with the facts.

10. Royal Holloway – 1.7 miles

Bringing up the measly, miserable rear with a shocking 2735 meter distance to the nearest Greggs is RHUL, which probably isn’t a shock to anyone since they never were great at short distances to things in London.

Their one redeeming quality is the gorgeously pretty campus straight out of Harry Potter, so if you’re willing to forgive the lack of baked goods for a nice Insta shot, then by all means, be our guest. Just know that everyone else is judging you for those seriously questionable priorities.

Not only is the nearest Greggs in Staines of all places, but it’s on a main road and takes a painful 35 minutes to walk. You’ll have better luck catching an Uber with one of the mega-rich international students who think they’re Emma Roberts straight out of Wild Child.

9. Imperial – 0.9 miles

Classic South Ken not even daring to house an establishment cheaper than Gail’s Bakery. With the nearest Greggs an 18 minute trek to Earl’s Court, Imperial students end up settling for Le Pain Quotidien and PAUL, with the occasional Sainsbury’s meal deal if they’re feeling stingy, and it shows.

If you’re into science, engineering, science or science, then this place has an incredible range of opportunities for you. But, just like the Eton grads that don’t end up in the Houses of Parliament, people of any other personality type are pretty scarce. They’re probably hiding in the Earl’s Court Greggs all day.

8. Goldsmiths – 0.6 miles

A pretty impressive score for a uni near Peckham, which can also be considered “the middle of butt-fuck nowhere”. Yes, it’s the new trendy place to be in London and everyone’s dying to visit, but when domestic transport is literally non-existent or takes about four hours, we’ll stay pessimistic, alright.

The nearest Greggs to this artsy, alcoholic London uni is a 13 minute walk away, in Deptford, which we’re pretty sure is a made-up place because Goldsmiths students never seem to talk sense anyway, and are always in their own little worlds of imaginary names.

They’re a good bunch though, as is this Greggs branch, at a solid strolling distance from campus for your lunch break from lectures. Have fun being on the cool side of London while we all struggle with overpriced bus fares and boring office workers.

7. City – 0.6 miles

Beating Goldsmiths by only a hair, at a 12 minute walk instead of 13, is this pretty irrelevant central London uni. It produces a very limited amount of personalities, this time stuffed into really mean businessman and journalist moulds that like to moan about everything, and at the same time nothing, to do with politics.

City’s nearest Greggs is in Angel, which itself is a cool location, so can forgive roughly 7.2 per cent of these students’ sins. After crossing over the A road from boring Pentonville into new hipster spot for brunch, of course the first tourist attraction would be a good old Greggs.

6. Queen Mary – 0.5 miles

East London’s main, and probably only, loud-and-proud representative is QMUL, with their nearest Greggs at an 11 minute walk from campus, near Bethnal Green. The upside to this location is its proximity to not one, but two big-boy sexy London parks, but the downside is pretty much everything else around it.

QMUL students are a mysterious bunch – no one has ever met one on a night out, nor do we know anything about their uni lives. Aside from washy English lit degrees there doesn’t seem to be anything going on over there.

They stick to East London, Loud And Proud in every sense of the word, which we admire just as much as their casual, if not best, proximity to Greggs.

5. South Bank – 0.5 miles

They’ve got a bit of a get-out-of-jail-free card here, being so close to Waterloo station, but it’s definitely fair to say that LSBU’s banging location is made even better with the presence of Greggs not far away. Could be better, but they’re still south of the river where electricity doesn’t exist yet, so we can be proud of them at least.

South Bank students mean well, but can only fathom branching out to the slightly controversial bisexual side of TikTok, even when trying their very hardest. They’re basic at heart and that’s okay, we all appreciate the Instagrammable avo toasts and sneaky Greggs croissants like a mother cheers on her child for walking in a straight line without falling over.

4. SOAS – 0.5 miles

Another hairy squeeze past LSBU is SOAS, with a walking distance of 10 minutes to their nearest Greggs in Holborn. Not that SOAS students end up boldly venturing outside Bloomsbury much anyway – why would you want to when SOAS bar and the Senate House Library exist?

SOAS students may not be the brainiest in the box, but you can’t deny that they’re pretty much cooler than every other London humanities student out there. Their nearest Greggs probably sees a lot of hungover first year girls covered in glitter, on a come-down and discussing the politics in some far off country involved in their degree, and sells a lot of vegan cheeZe and beans melts.

But you can’t deny, it’s a solid uni with a solid Greggs and some solid partiers to make friends with. A happy fourth place in my books.

3. RVC – 0.4 miles

Oh yes, the underdogs of the London uni race, and not one you’d usually expect to see this high up in the ranks. The reason? Their campus is in Camden, one of the best student areas to be, and it’s proved by the fact that their nearest Greggs is a miniscule eight minute walk away. What a breeze.

Smarter than you’ll ever be, with employment more guaranteed than your six month plan to get through uni, RVC students are machines that play just as hard as they work, on the rare occasions that they’re actually seen outside of the library.

For all the animals they have to euthanise, they’re probably pretty limited in their veggie and vegan options at Greggs, but at least the rest of us can enjoy this perfect Camden location.

2. LSE – 0.3 miles

It’s a close call between first and second place, as it’s always been (although everyone always knows the true winner), but LSE yet again comes in at second with a gorgeously short six minute stroll to their nearest Greggs on Kingsway.

Not only that, but they’ve also got another Greggs, also at a six minute walk, on Strand, perfect for when you see your regret hook-up from Saucy sports night lounging outside one Greggs the next morning before lectures, allowing you to escape to the other at no extra leg power.

Yes, LSE students all end up being insufferable finance people that don’t stop going on about moving back to London with their own company by the time they’re 22, but if you ignore them sober, you can have a lot of fun with them drunk. And considering their proximity to Greggs, they can’t all be that bad at all.

1. UCL – 0.2 miles

We hate to say it but we all knew this would happen. Boasting the easiest walk to the Tottenham Court Road Greggs just outside campus is UCL, the big daddy of London unis, and definitely the most snobby about it.

UCL students will crawl out of their bed in the morning with their sole motivation being to get a Greggs on the way into lectures, and then once it’s down the hatch will proceed to talk about their bi-weekly shop to Planet Organic all day, pretending that they could never sink as low as a cheap sausage roll.

But it’s a guilty pleasure, just like Loop sports nights, and no one can blame them for it. They’ll continue getting their trust fund in £10k chunks to pay for their endless dinner dates and porn-star martini trees, but on the side they’ll always have room for a cheeky five minute walk to Greggs.

It’s true what they say – Greggs is where the heart is, and these London unis have got a pretty good time of it. Arm yourself with a steak bake and a strawberry doughnut and you’re pretty much ready for anything.

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