A comprehensive guide of what your London uni says about you 2020
For God’s sake Royal Holloway is NOT London
We’re coming to the start of the new academic year, which means a new batch of clean, innocent freshers are about to cross the M25 and embark on a couple of years of Jagerbombs, Uber Eats and not knowing which lines the night tube runs on.
London presents a unique challenge of having so many universities it’s hard to remember them all, and more importantly the personality type of each of its educational institutions. London is not as simple as your classic rugby boy, rave-goer and horsey girl. The students of London universities develop their own distinct personas morphed out of their drinking, eating and studying habits.
So, to welcome in the new freshers and provide them with their most vital piece of London education (apart from the tube map), here is what your London uni says about you.
If it’s the daytime, then they’re probably asleep. When you think about it, finishing a lecture and then going straight to pres sounds like a pretty fun idea, but then you remember Birkbeck students are actually about as fun to be around as a turtle, and to all intents and purposes turtle has better social skills.
The only uni other than Royal Holloway who can get off the plane at Heathrow and then walk to uni in under 10 minutes. They live on a diet of RnB and vodka, these students think they know how to have a good time. However, take a walk through their uni and you’d think you’ve walked into the druggy remake of Mean Girls.
Courtauld Institute of Art
A very cool elite circle of people, there’s only about 10 of them, who care about art too much. Literally art is their whole personality, even down to the way they talk – which is super slow and artistic (if you can imagine that). If they aren’t talking to you about how they feel art in their soul, they’re probably still riding on the back of how their University Challenge team somehow made it to the quarter finals?
No one wants to go to City unless you’re at the business school or doing journalism, otherwise you definitely just ended up going to your insurance. In fact, even the business school is full of LSE rejects, not to mention the fact that it changes its name every couple of hours, CASS, City Business, London School of Business – MAKE UP YOUR MIND PLEASE.
Normally found in some Mayfair club smoking shisha, talking about how great capitalism is and which item of Balenciaga they’re going to buy next. If your City friend ever invites you to their SU bar, DO NOT GO.
Will there be a day where you meet a sober Goldsmiths student? Probably not. For some reason they’re always drinking. Overall, a pretty solid bunch. Normally good company on a night out. Every London student should try and make at least one Goldsmiths friend. You can keep them like pets and then make them do tricks for all your Russell Group friends like count to 10, say the alphabet, or identify shapes and colours.
Exactly like a Goldsmiths student except they’re incredibly techy about being called a Goldsmiths student, because in case they haven’t mentioned at least 10 times, THEY GO TO GREENWICH.
When they’re not getting angry about where they actually go to uni they can be found drinking tinnies in Greenwich Park and taking Instagram panoramas of the view from south of the river.
If you have been led to believe that Imperial students are as bright and honourable as their university is made out to be, then you have obviously never been to Ministry of Sound on a Tuesday night, which these Kensington scientists pack out week after week, embarrassing themselves with their terrible chat, and the fact they clearly can’t handle their drinks.
Found babbling in the smoking areas of various London Clubs reminding every other student of how they go to best university in London to disguise from their inability to hold a real conversation that isn’t about engineering.
The phrase ‘always the bridesmaid never the bride’ springs to mind. KCL students are always the annoying mums of the group, who will try their best to limit the amount of fun you can have on a night out. Unless of course they’re surrounded by fellow KCL students at Guys Bar or Vault on sports night. During this time, it’s best to leave the King’s lot to themselves, as they go from boring mums, to annoying middle class Tory wine mums in a matter of seconds.
These students are about as rare as a drink under £5 in central. No one knows where they hang out, where their campus is and what they do in their spare time. We think it’s because the majority of them actually have jobs so when they aren’t at university they are working. If you ever meet one you’ve practically met a London Unicorn.
LSE students love to let you know that they’re LSE students. Here’s what I mean. Try walking up Kingsway at about 1pm and look at just how many people will be striding down wearing a department specific LSE retro jumper. LSE students have the personality of a damaged tumble dryer but are somehow smarter than you. When they’re not promoting their endless supplies of LSE stash they’re found in Zoo Bar and the other central clubs in a suit, telling everyone about their spring week plans – no one cares if you’re going to JP Morgan or HSBC mate!
Middlesex students are normally found working in a Spoons or trying to pull a UCL fresher. Most of them are actually pretty nice. Probably chose Middlesex because they were told it’s in London, but don’t really know London well enough to realise they’re going to have to get three busses, two tubes and an EasyJet flight to have any kind of fun.
Queen Mary students are either found in the depths of XOYO and Fabric trying to get with UCL and KCL freshers or they’re off at Printworks ‘on a mad one’. These students, who seem to all study geography or finance, spend the majority of their time being bitter about not getting into LSE or UCL or pinging to the high heavens at some rave out East.
RADA/ Royal Central School of Speech and Drama
They’re all thespians, so affected by the dramatic arts and so convinced they WILL be the next Damien Lewis. Whilst the two unis are different, the students are virtually impossible to tell apart. They can be found hanging round theatreland in all the bars trying to pour their tortured, dramatic souls into their latest one man play.
You’re going to be a teacher. That’s literally what every Roehampton student aspires towards. Now go back to Instagram and post about how much you needed that coffee this morning.
Okay for all Royal Holloway is classed as a ‘University of London college’ it is NOT London. It is in Egham which isn’t even inside the M25. It looks just like a boarding school which says a lot about the people who go there. If you’re going to Royal Holloway, then it’s likely you never really wanted to leave school. You also want to tell all your friends from home about London life, and that might work for you when you’re back in the Midlands. Get back to the countryside.
Royal Vetinary College
Ah yes, the forgotten about cousin of the University of London family. If you go there, you probably think you have crackhead energy because you went to Electric Ballroom in Camden once and took your shirt off. Stop telling us how it’s one of the best vet schools in the world and start acting your age.
Didn’t get the grades for UCL? Don’t want to be miles away from central London? Great, why don’t you just study at SOAS? It’s in Bloomsbury, full of cool(ish) people, the only catch? That degree you originally wanted to do is now going to be entirely about a country you’re never going to visit. Normally SOAS students are pretty sound, however you will never run into them on a night out because you won’t be cool enough to know the places they socialise (SOAS Bar).
Found in the most instagrammable parts of the central clubs, their social media might as well be a fan page for Toy Room. When you speak to them they can only manage to sustain conversation about how rewarding their degree in digital marketing or fashion purchasing is. If they’re not found showing off their latest Oh Polly purchase they’ll be found on Southbank sipping their Pret.
Congratulations, you and your colleagues generate an entire personality on the back of being a medic. You’re all incredibly bitter whenever you encounter RUMS or King’s medics because they serve as a reminder of the fact you didn’t get into a more renowned medical school.
If you ever want to see 1,000 pairs of flared jeans all at once, go and stand outside Central Saint Martins on a weekday afternoon. The fact that there is a Waitrose attached to that campus really does make them reek of champagne socialism. UAL students all have an Instagram page for their art that doesn’t actually look like anything, but we all say it looks lovely. However, they do know how to have a good time on a night out. Normally, for some reason, found in the most basic clubs? Either that or they’ve all crammed themselves into the Jazz Café in Camden so they can try and keep up their quirky persona. Enjoy spending your days watching peep show in your uni halls.
I wonder how long it will take the new UCL freshers to give into the three for £10 Jagerbomb woman who walks around Loop on a Wednesday night with her contactless card machine. UCL students get a lot of stick, yes, they’re Oxbridge rejects, yes, they almost all went to private school, but if you’re nice to them, they might invite you to go skiing with them. When they aren’t in Loop on a Wednesday, they can normally be found mulling around Bloomsbury, arguing over which artisan coffee shop does the best avo on toast.
Why do you all seem to study law? Uni of Westminster students make out like they’re practically studying in the Houses of Parliament even though the majority of their campus is up towards Marleybone and Paddington. Often found crashing other people’s club nights because they don’t have enough non-mature students to warrant their own.
There you have the definitive guide of every London student you will meet, from the dramatic types to the medics. There are the fake Londoners at Brunel and RHUL and the students of King’s and UCL who are just ‘so London’. You’ll encounter them all throughout the duration of your degree, except maybe not a London Met student as they are so rare.