I went to ULU sober, and I definitely wouldn’t recommend it

It rained when I was queuing, and I couldn’t handle

Entering the second term of the second year of medical school is like walking into hell wearing winter gear, while everyone around you is saying it isn’t that hot: you always feel behind and nights out are pretty much non-existent as you’re either in the library or crying, most likely both at the same time.

Friday night at ULU, however, is always a must, but since I needed to catch up with work, I decided to be the designated sober friend for the night, so on Saturday morning I could get up and attempt to go over some lectures. “Alcohol isn’t the only way to have fun”, I chanted to myself over and over as I got dressed, maybe a little too well dressed, but if I was going to think I looked good in some cheeky snaps I had to be polished. Vodka does confidence wonders, and without it I’d feel like that one person on your course who looks like a dried up fruit cake.

Have to have that make-up on fleek

After getting dolled up we headed off to pre-drinks, which was honestly much less fun when not drinking. What’s the point of downing mixer? I just needed the loo for the next hour. Once the games were over and everyone but me was sufficiently tipsy, we headed off to ULU. It was a measly 15 minute walk but being sober in the cold made it feel like an Arctic expedition. We arrived at the club… well, sort of “club”, at 11.30pm and the queue was already stupidly long. And then it began raining.

Once we got inside there was a cloakroom drama as the system had changed and now it was a free-for-all, and inebriated students have mob mentality when it comes to getting your coat on a hanger and themselves on a dance floor. I’d not even got in properly and I was craving at least four shots to help me deal with the drunkards.

Note to self: always go to ULU stupidly early because people think queuing is actually fun when they’re drunk

Eventually, we headed up the stairs and into the pit of writhing students. At that moment I found bliss and came to terms with sobriety. I actually knew the songs playing and could sing along, my moves didn’t resemble some sort of fit and I was feeling my oats. Wheatus, Britney, Shakira, Beyonce, and so many more made the first hour bearable, though the level of sweat that passed from person to person had the semblance of a human wave pool. And then it all changed. My pop divas were banished from the playlist and replaced by obscure R&B tracks only a handful of people knew the lyrics to. I’d given up.

Sambuca was the only thing that helped me through the next hour until I began sobering up again. And it was a glorious hour. I moved with the flow of people and when the one track I knew actually came on it was so much better. So I didn’t technically do ULU sober, but I tried, and that’s what counts. My conclusion is basically it’s impossible. Two o’clock rolled up and as the music began to mellow so did I, and I got shivers as everyone sang along to some classic ballads in eerily perfect harmony. By the end I had completely sobered up again and was ready for the journey home.

Almost Renaissance art, people kissing surrounded by the leftover dreams and enjoyment

Don’t go to ULU sober. No, really – it will be shit. It’s the sort of place where it’s nice to get not too fucked off your face but still have some buzz. Being drunk makes you forget how long you will wait to either get a drink or use the bathroom, how horribly sweaty the people are, and how shit the music can get.

Sober rating: 2/10

Drunk rating: 9/10