Worst Songs To Have Sex To (or how to cockblock your flatmate)
Got a friend whose loud lovemaking is ruining your life? Problem solved.
Before our flatmate hit up Phineas bar, we gave him fair warning – “It’s our essay deadline night. Bring back a girl and we will revolt.” When he inevitably shuffled sheepishly in at 12.30am with his conquest, we set up the speakers outside his door.
If you’ve got a halls mate, or a flatmate, who takes an almost sadistic pleasure in having vociferously loud sex in the room next door whilst you’re buried under a massive workload, allow me to hand you your new armament – the ultimate anti-sex playlist, which, when played noisily enough, is guaranteed to vanquish the beast with two backs.
Living In The Sunlight by Tiny Tim
The terrifying and tinny-voiced Tiny Tim is a brilliant first choice to kick off your night of cockblockery. A man so undeniably creepy that one of his songs was actually used in the Insidious soundtrack, Tim’s spine-chillingly sweet intro to Living In The Sunlight is bound to scare all saucy sweet-nothings from lovers’ lips.
Most effective lyric: “HELLO MY DEAR FRIENDS!”
Get It Up by Mindless Self Indulgence
This is a song primarily about erectile dysfunction. Enough said. If you need more convincing to include this in your anti-sex playlist, consider the fact that this song’s bridge is MSI’s lead singer screaming the words “Whatever you do, don’t talk about your F*CKING BOYFRIEND WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX, HOW ‘BOUT THAT?!”. Magical.
Most effective lyric: “I wanna make you horny, / But I can’t get it up”
When reading the title, you might not think you know this tune. You do, and your mate does, and if he/she can keep up with this tempo then more power to them.
Most effective lyric: “Do do do doooo do dodododo”
F*ck Her Gently by Tenacious D
Time to take the tempo down a notch with this comedy classic by Kage and Jables. Swinging from the awkwardly intense with lyrics like “Sometimes you’ve got to make some love” straight to the hilarious “And f*cking give her some smoochies too”, this delightful ditty is a tried-and-tested weapon in your anti-sex arsenal.
Most effective lyric: “I’m gonna ball you discreetly”
Stoomtrein by Kurt Darren
43 year-old Kurt Darren has won 7 South African Music Awards, and no bloody wonder when he’s cranking out tunes like “Stoomtrein”. A loving ode to – you guessed it – steam trains, I challenge anyone to keep their piston in motion whilst being aurally assaulted by this horribly catchy train-track (ahhhhh, locomotive puns.)
Most effective lyric: “En met ‘n tjoekoe tjoekoe tjoekoe tjoekoe tjoekoe whoa” (the Afrikaans onomatopoeia for the sound of a train moving. Chugga chugga.)
A popular rugby league refrain, there’s nothing like blasting a nice nationalistic hymn when your flatmate’s partner is trying to lie back and think of England. As the emotional choral crescendo swells, take heart in the fact that their passion definitely won’t. Bonus points if it turns out they couldn’t mask wiping away a patriotic tear in the midst of attempted foreplay.
Most effective lyric: “Bring me my arrows of desire! / Bring me my spear!”
Anything by Lostprophets. Yeesh.