A definitive list of the worst boys you’ll ever date

Don’t be bitter, be better

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You’ll talk to a lot of boys while you’re at uni and some you’ll date. Others you won’t. One thing is certain though: most will turn out to be dickheads. But despite the tears, tantrums and traumas that will come along the way, every single one of these experiences will make you graduate a better, and stronger woman.  So girls, if you can bear to dig up the past, here’s the shortlist of the worst boys you’ve dated (and probably ever will).

The fuckboy 

Ever since you saw him across the dance floor on LEVEL 2, you knew he’d be a complete twat. But that’s exactly what attracted you in the first place. Arrogant, cocky, but so attractive. To be honest, you were only ever asking for a broken heart. But he’s the closest thing you were ever getting to Drake, so you risked all your emotions anyway. And from then, Nothing Was The Same.

He doesn’t understand the concept of a date, so the next best thing is a few 4am texts and an offer of “Netflix and Chill”. But after months of reminding you that  “it’s just not the right time” and “he’s not really the relationship type”, you finally, finally see the light and delete his number. “From bae to +44 real quick” you sassily think to yourself… Only for him to get a girlfriend the week after. Eh?

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Already scoping out the next bae

The other fuckboy, who you keep going back to 

As you write ANOTHER message in the group chat about being mugged off, your friends are starting to lose all interest. They told you not to go there, but you did anyway (again) and now you’re starting to run out of excuses. How many times are they going to believe that you “had to share a taxi home with him” because you lost your friends in Concert Square? There’s only so many nights out that they’ll wipe your tears, before they leave you to it. And then you’ll not only be crying, but you’ll be doing it alone. So the next time Nathan ignores your seventh drunk text, snapchat, email or Candy Crush request…  maybe it’s a sign that it’s not meant to be?

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Those post-fuckboy glows

Your best friend’s brother 

In year 9 you delivered a note to his year 11 Biology class, and you’ve had a crush on him ever since. This crush reached a whole new level when you walked in on him in the shower at pre drinks a couple of years later. Despite these obvious signs from above,  he’s always been off-limits. He’s your best friend’s brother and that’d just be weird, wouldn’t it?  Well you thought it would be, but hey things change. People change.

You  bumped into him last Freshers outside Brooklyn Mixer, you were drunk and he bought you cheesy chips.  And as they say, the rest is history. You’re in a different county now anyway, so the rules don’t apply. And you don’t have to tell her because she’ll never know, will she?

The one you work with

You know he’s shagged half the staff room (and probably Liverpool One), but you’re not that bothered. He’s good looking, he’s single and you’ve got the same payday… it must be fate. It’s early days and you’re probably not getting married anytime soon, but that doesn’t matter. For now,  you’re content in knowing you’ve secured a like-minded bae who understands all the struggles of working in retail.  I mean, what could go wrong?

Apparently, a lot . After a couple of months he cools it off, obviously. You thought it wasn’t that deep, but turns out it was and now you feel like a bit of a mug. All your shifts consist of now is awkward eye contact across the till and bitchy, sarcastic comments (from you again, obviously).

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The one who is too nice 

After your track record, you know you should like this one. But everything about him is annoying. You wake up to paragraphs of text messages, which have more thought in them than your dissertation and he uses so many emojis. I know your mum loves him and he’s invited to your Nan’s 70th in July. But honestly it’s probably not worth the time. You’re bored, and you’re wasting his time.

Find some excitement. Find someone that’s going to ignore your texts once in a while (maybe refer to the fuckboy above), and who keeps you on your toes. Basically, find anything other than this guy. Let him concentrate on his degree and find a nice dentist in the Harold Cohen library or something, you’re obviously too much of a bitch.

The one with the girlfriend

It was love at first sight when you caught each others eye in the frozen aisle of Smithdown ASDA and exchanged numbers. Or so you thought. You try not to get too ahead of yourself as he charms you with a Pizza Express 2 -4-1, but in reality you’re already looking at wedding dresses and have named your first child. Scarlett for a girl, Jake for a boy.

It’s all fun,  games and baby showers until he’s tagged in a ‘2 year anniversary collage’ on Facebook. At this point you’re confused…. that girl looks nothing like you and you only met in February? “Maybe it’s his sister… maybe they’re just really close”, you think to yourself in denial. But as it suddenly becomes clear why he’s only been messaging you on Snapchat chat. The dream is over and it’s back to the drawing board. After Malia 2014, you vowed you’d leave the ones with the girlfriends alone. The homewrecking life is never the good life.

The one who fancies your friend more than you

Probably the worst kind. He’s always shown a little bit too much interest in your housemate from the Wirral. He invites her everywhere, likes all her Instagrams “just to be friendly” and “can’t believe she’s still single”. Obviously you notice all the signs, so dinner time at your house is more like the Hunger Games as you both fight for his attention. It’s probably just time to admit that he’s only using you to get to her. But take some advice, girl code is a myth. Let it go and move on… It’s a dog eat dog world out there.

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Three’s a crowd

Satan

A combination of all of the above, and the one who’ll ruin your life.