Who are the people paying to see Made in Chelsea in nightclubs?

Some do pull them, to be fair

club nights made in chelsea MIC

It’s a familiar experience for anyone who actually owns a brain. You go into the lounge to chill with your housemates and promptly leave in disgust because Made in Chelsea is on.

This you can deal with, this you can escape relatively easily, but now that THIS has invaded almost every sphere of life – it’s time to speak out.

The pointless poshos have already invaded your living room, daily conversations and social media feed. Now they are taking over your nights out.

In a two week period at the start of this term, MIC characters made “appearances” (i.e. stood behind a red rope and posed for selfies with tragic fans) at 13 different venues. That’s almost one a night.

Tragic images like these are spreading across our screens at an alarming rate

It’s boring to complain about how crap TV is. Of course Jamie, Binky and Spenny are pointless, talentless, odourless, colourless idiots, even by the rock bottom standards of celebdom in 2014.

But it’s one thing to watch them on telly, it’s another to queue for hours just to stand awkwardly on opposite sides of a red VIP rope for a selfie.

Because that’s all they do, usually, except the odd fiddle on the decks and a microphone shout out, before they pocket a grand (seriously) and get in the first taxi out of there.

They get close to minimum wage for appearing on the programme, it’s your ticket to “Alex Mytton Official DJ Set @ Oceana” which funds their Grey Goose.

She’d queued up 10 hours for this.

You can say minor celebrity appearances are as easy to ignore as the programmes that spawned them, but as Clive Martin says of the circuit: “As a touring scene, it’s one that currently has more nationwide appeal than any music scene does.”

Just look at the excitement of the fans. “Spenny was in his VIP booth, pouring grey goose into my mouth, I’m not even slightly ashamed” my friend Kat gushed, telling me about the five other times she’d met the cast.

“You fell over in front of Jamie Laing? Oh you poor thing, how embarrassing,” I was forced to lament to another friend, Lizzie.

There’s a red rope between them

Moments before her downfall

Most students have had more selfies with these characters then one night stands. Instead of enjoying your night you’re standing in a line and pining after someone who thinks you’re an idiot. This is our youth culture, our version of punk, or Beatlemania, or Britpop. What a tragic non-movement to be defined by.

I’m not against reality shows, or people who enjoy watching them – I get the mind-melting appeal of seeing somebody get splashed with a drink in a club (even if it is staged). What I object to is their sinister presence in my nightlife. People have always watched shit telly, but actively pursuing the celeb-nots on them is totes insane.

I’m sorry for those who have attended these events, most of my friends have, but WHAT ARE YOU DOING?