Five ways to celebrate finishing exams

Go to the pub

This is absolutely the first and most symbolic way to celebrate finishing exams. Get yourself in there, get yourself a drink, get yourself a seat, sit, take a long draught, swallow and exhale, slowly. You’ve done it. Well, you’ve probably done it. Where are you? The AJ? Good, then it doesn’t matter if you’ve done it or not. You’re safe now, the pub has got you.

If you’re on a budget and can’t afford the AJ, then Number 5 bar will serve you for less money; the important thing is that it still does beer.

If you’re going for broke then go to the Philharmonic or, if you’re a member, the Athenaeum. Try not to get so plastered that they revoke your membership, jolly poor show.

Our Features Ed, post exam nightmare. ‘You don’t know maaan, you weren’t theeerrrreee.’

Burn your notes

This one is so painfully obvious that it’s hardly worth mentioning, but as the practice is abundant it’s probably earned its spot here.

On a budget again? Didn’t go to lectures? Have no notes to speak of? Well, there’s nothing wrong with burning those of a housemate, ensuring first they’ve finished with them. Or not.

Going for broke? The Grove wing is being refurbished this summer, so if your pyromaniacy yearns grander stages, why not start the job and petrol bomb it?

The history of the First Crusade in its entirety. Medium-rare.

Go on a spontaneous trip

Alton Towers, Manchester and Ireland are all value for money, readily accessible and provide excitement, culture and a well-earned break.

On a budget? You can always go to Runcorn and look at the wildlife, plus there’s a big shiny bridge (to jump off).

If you’re going for broke, then why not book a one way ticket to Tanzania? Stunning natural beauty and relatively cheap living costs, and once your visa expires or you’re arrested you’ll get a free flight home!

The bestselling sequel to ‘Beachcombing in Birkenhead.’

Have sex

Oh if only it were that simple. If you’re fortunate enough to have a significant other/friend with benefits, and they, too, find themselves bereft of examinations, then engage in some celebratory, ahem, ‘physically sapping cardiovascular-based endurance activities’.

I suppose on a budget suggests that you have no significant other; this can be addressed by an evening in, possibly with Tinder, more likely Redtube.com and a sock… provided you can afford socks.

If you fancy going for broke (who doesn’t?) try to break your own record for number of partners during a session, as is rumoured to be a pastime of a member of our SRO team (which could be libellous if it wasn’t true).

Inside or out

For obvious reasons relating to human decency, we can’t bring you a picture at this time.

Throw a party

I’m talking the sort of house party which goes a step further from losing your deposits. I’m talking vomit up the walls, urban foxes in the kitchen… and you face down in the bath with half of your brain kickboxing the other half into a coma, and puerile graffiti daubed all over your body.

On a budget? Confine yourself to your bedroom and get rat arsed alone, so you only damage your own things, saving you money long term. Invite a mate if you have one, which is dubious.

Going for broke? Forget the house party; start thinking street party. A street party so titanic it shuts Smithdown. The sort of carnival that leads to Harry Anderson and Vice-Chancellor Newby contesting a dance-off in a skip whilst onlookers place bets on who’ll break first. A fiesta which sees Tab, Ellipses and LSMedia journalists  facing off against each other in a no holds barred battle royal (‘no touching of the face or hair!’). Just imagine Bandsoc spontaneously turning up, playing Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture in the middle of the road, whilst riot police try desperately to restore order. Come to think of it, why can’t the Summer ball be more like that?