Seven themes the Summer Ball should have been

A list of alternative themes for the end of year ‘Summer Ball’, which the Guild so unhelpfully failed to implement; feel free to enact them yourselves…

The Coalition Theme

Next year sees the end of one of the most popular governments in living memory, so why not toast their achievements by having a coalition bash? It’s relatively straightforward: come dressed as suit-sporting Conservatives and Liberal Democrats, but Tories get to bring riding crops and cattle prods whilst Lib Dems must be kept on the lead and muzzled at all times. Or gimp masked, depending on preference.

LUDS’ 2013 performance of the play Coalition. ‘Are we the Tories?’ ‘I’m afraid it’s worse than that.’

The Liverpool Theme

This is a fairly obvious one; revel in the glory of your university by imitating famous characters from the third greatest city in the North West. The choices are endless… and predictable; two whole Beatles (plus a couple of damaged ones), a legion of footballers, Ken Dodd, Cilla Black, John Bishop, Hitler’s nephew Will, a Lambanana, Purple Aki, a Liverbird, or dress up in a sumo suit and come as Mayor Anderson. One rule: no Harry Enfield Scousers. You’ll ruin it for everyone. We’ll get lynched. In fact, best just to leave this one alone.

The Disney Theme

You’re all technically adults now, and off you must go into the big wide world to find a job centre, a good catchment area for the fruit of your hyperactive loins, a mountain of debt and varicose veins. So for one night, why not relive your childhood? As the Guild have already taken on the role of The Muppets, let’s all go as Disney characters. It’s a great idea. Trussssst in meeee…

Jafar and the Mad Hatter. Never saw that one coming.

The Wildlife Theme

There’s no real difference between campus life and the wild, so lose the pretence. Lone philosophy leopards prowling and pondering, herds of gazelle-historians, chaotic, drunken, chattering packs of medic-hyenas, a flock of BodySoc flamingos, law students looking for animal rights violations and our own Doug Bolton as David Attenborough; maybe a group of Rugby Lad gorillas being hunted to extinction by FemSoc poachers, to avoid it becoming Planet of the Apes.

The UKIP Theme

Nigel Farage called UKIP’s win in last week’s European elections ‘the most extraordinary result for 100 years.’ Frankly, that makes us uneasy, but we agree, so let’s mark it! For an immigrant, you really are spoiled for choice; you can dress as a fireman, a nurse, a waiter, anything really because immigrants are just normal people. For a UKIP voter, you really are spoiled for choice; a cabbie, a butcher, a teacher, anything really, because UKIP voters are just normal people. Apparently.

The Favourite Word Theme

Now here’s an idea: come dressed as the living embodiment of your favourite word. Obviously this ranges from the ‘peanuts’, ‘stallions’ and ‘carbuncles’ of this world to the more challenging ‘fiddling’, ‘bolshy’ and ‘egregious’; prizes should be doled out for the most entertaining efforts. On no account attempt to come as words such as ‘serenity’, ‘equality’ or ‘elegance’, as you will run the risk of coming as my favourite word, which is cu-

The Sam Butler Theme

He’s done a bloody good job, hasn’t he? Well, I guess we won’t really know until the New Guild is open, by which time he’ll be halfway to Mexico with a suitcase full of cash, but there’s no question that our dashing young President has found a place in the hearts of most of us here at Uni of. So let’s give him a send-off he deserves; bleach your hair, suit up and come to the Summer Ball as Samuel Butler. It’ll probably terrify him (which might be entertaining) as you’d be if you thought you’d stepped into your own version of Being John Malkovich. End the year in style: blond-haired, blue-eyed style. If only Jack Buckby was still here to see it.