Here is every type of person you will meet in a Lincoln beer garden

If you’ve not met one of these people – you are one of them x

3 years ago

After far too long, on April 12th, beer gardens finally reopened across the UK and every uni student is using the time to finally be able to socialise with people not just in their flat. In every social setting in Lincoln, you come across an array of different characters, from the locals who exclusively go out on a Saturday to the final years who should probably be getting on with finishing their dissertation.

Nonetheless, every university city has different types of people stumbling through their campus and now, their beer gardens. Here is a definitive list of every type of person you will meet in a beer garden in Lincoln.

Poshos stumbled in by accident

This group of students will constantly talk about their summer house they stayed in over lockdown their yachts and “Daddy’s bar”, and it is a truly painful sight to behold. It’s like witnessing Made in Chelsea in real life, lots of “yah” and “seriously, no way”, maybe even a “yeah boi”. All the things you expect hear in Slug and Lettuce, and not The Queen in the West.

However, if you manage to be stuck with this group, expect the fanciest cocktails, and you just know they pre-ordered a Pornstar Martini cocktail tree from the Slug and Lettuce.

via @thetablincoln_ on Instagram

The Fiat 500 crew

As soon as you read those words, the face of someone you know popped into your head. The angel wings at Craft are about to be put into good use once again, as well as endless boomerangs of cocktails being cheersed, and grain salads with avocado and a side of sweet potato fries.

Pretty Little Thing and Oh Polly is about to go out of stock as they flock to buy a new outfit for every weekend. If they’re at least one pornstar martini tree in, you’ll be their new best friend for about five minutes before they hunt for a new cocktail to try.

Sports Society Lads (Type A)

There are two kinds of sports lad. Type A is your typically hyper-masculine sports, think rugby league and union; football; American football; hockey. Several pints and shots are on the table by the early evening, they’re annoyingly loud and already have a rough idea of who they’re going to send a drunken booty call text to around 9pm. They are quite funny, and they are guaranteed to make you chuckle with your antics.

Sports Society Lads (Type B )

Type B plays a more enjoyable sports. Handball, Dodgeball, Badminton etc. They are the sweetest of lads, and are just out to have a few quiet pints and go home to watch Netflix. They have a side hobby like photography, and 90% of the time are taken. So if you’re single and want a slice, sorry folks.

Parents that have come to see their kids because they’ve missed them

However, the feeling is not mutual. The reality is that whilst the parents are happy to see their spawn, the lowly student is actually thinking “yay free dinner”. Upgrading from a pot noodle or pesto pasta to a burger that does not cost 99p from McDonald’s. They’ll go to somewhere like The Royal or Duke William to discuss their future, and endlessly defend their choice of degree for the millionth time.

A random lady with a dog

Let’s be real, she only has the dog for attention, but we do all love the dog. However, we can’t deny that it’s weird. We get it, you have a small furry animal that mildly resembles a tree rat in your bag, but we don’t want to pet it. We’re here for a piss-up, not a petting zoo. Back off.

People that don’t get out a lot

They’re enrolled on some science-based course and usually have some kind of bottled beer, or just a pint of Coke, and talk avidly about computers, gaming and takeaways. You can spot them wearing band t-shirts or oversized hoodies and might have a very thin, patchy moustache and unruly masses of hair. They’re not that loud until they start laughing, then oh boy, they’re noisy.

Yummy mummy’s

Easy to spot in the wild, just look for lots of blow-dried hair and wafts of Mugler’s Alien perfume. They look very well put together with the leather leggings and sky-high heels like they should be sipping Champagne in The Shard on a weekend. But they’re not. Instead, they’ve given the kids a break from having their every move documented on Facebook, and instead, they’re taking boomerangs with their fellow Mummy tribe in Slug or Craft. They laugh in unison and leave lipstick stains on every cocktail glass, and as bar staff, I am telling you, this is incredibly annoying.