Things you’ll only know if you’re both short AND curvy

The definition of curvy is different to most people – but to those of us that are five-foot-five and below, the definition of curvy is quite simply “I can’t find any bloody jeans.”

As a vertically-challenged individual you not only have to deal with keeping up with your friends when walking literally anywhere, having to jump out of slightly higher vehicles and the onslaught of jokes about your size, but you have to deal with the daily struggle that is fashion. You have to plan outfits that you like, but also ones that make your legs look longer and less like a slightly shapelier tree-stump. There is a definitive Bible of issues that you face as a shorter, curvier girl – and the world just needs to know.

I’m the munchkin on the right

Frumpty Dumpty

Being a miniature-scale curve-bomb makes it very easy to end up looking frumpy in what you wear. Normal jeans can make you look smaller and not every outfit looks great with jeans rolled up 29 times in order to fit. Shopping is a struggle as it is, mainly because your little legs take about an hour to get between shop-to-shop (shop till you drop, the floor isn’t that far away) nevermind that interchangeable sizes mean that you have to take several different renditions to the fitting rooms because, unlike Shakira stated in 2005, hips do lie. And whatever you do find, may actually end up making you look 90% boob. Which isn’t always as positive as it sounds.

Roll ups are always in fashion, right?

Even if you’re small and slim, you know the Hobbit-fashion rule: Ankle-grazers are life. Not as a fashion statement, though. They’re life because they’re the easiest jeans to purchase without having to shop online or scour New Look until you end up crying in the middle of a jean rail wondering whether you should undergo leg stretching or just buy another skirt from the Petite section. Ankle grazers do not serve their usual purpose – to graze one’s ankle – to smaller people. They are heaven-sent for their reliability to be able to select whichever waist size you might need and not have to worry about the leg length (why are they always over 30? WHY?).

The perfect companion for the secret to the leg-length perfection that are ankle grazers: heeled boots. Despite being incredibly fashionable, heeled boots also add that small boost of height that perfectly accompanies lying to the world that your jeans aren’t actually fashioned to be slightly shorter on people of average height. By putting on a pair of heeled boots you not only get the comfort of walking without breaking an ankle in stilettos but you also don’t get the frumpty-dumpty disaster caused by wearing flats. By pairing these two short-people-hack items, you may actually be able to fool the world that you are on average height-scale and don’t measure up as the same height as Lil’ Wayne on a “Which Celebrities Are You As Tall As” wall-chart (he isn’t known as “Big Wayne” for a reason).

The height squad

Boob Life

If you’re curvy AND you have a rather large pair of assets, the struggle only gets harder. Okay, no one is exactly going to complain about having large boobs. At the end of the day, everyone loves a good DD or so, and they’re good for a good ol’ squish yourself every now and then. I have been known to use mine as a shelf. But they can be a huge pain in the arse (or more, the arse is a separate issue altogether, don’t even get me started). My boobs have before been referred to as “the twins”, I have been referred to as not a single entity but as “you three” and I have on many an occasion knocked things over with my own breasts.

The worst part, however, is trying to fit them into clothes. Think you’re a size ten on top? Around the waist maybe – but try and get your boobs in, think again. Any slightly baggy top you decide to wear makes you look double your size. (Refer again to the definition of “Frumpty Dumpty”) You look like you’ve been shopping in the maternity section, which with “the twins”, might actually just be worth doing.

I bet the sign wasn’t even that high

But the problems don’t stop there. If you don’t want to look like you’re expecting, you have to wear a tight top, which consequently will only get reactions. Some people may enjoy these glances, glares, gossip and guffawing – and good on them! However, I do not. I have found that some tops that may not spark a reaction on girls with smaller breasts have in turn made me appear as A) a slut, B) provocative and C) “begging for attention” simply because I have a larger chest. On the most part, none of those are true.

I have found that, like a lot of girls, most clothes that are in fashion currently look best on slimmer, lesser-boobed figures, especially if you venture into Topshop where the designers have apparently never actually seen a pair of large boobs before and bras are only designed for people who would look fantastic in a see-through, non-supported number (why are they see-through?! My name is not Crystal-Chandelier, I haven’t had a boob job and I am not that desperate for money yet).

Ankle-grazers and heeled boots: the duo in full force

Basically, as a shorter, curvier girl, shopping is a huge hassle. Any clothes (especially jeans) that you do find you end up keeping for as long as possible until they’re discoloured, stretched or maybe even until they’ve gone out of fashion, become retro and become fashionable again. Shorter gals keep the ankle-grazers supply and demand thriving, the flat-form shoes industry ecstatic and the “Tall” section of Topshop deserted. 

So spare a moment for the plight of the short and curvy girl, and count yourself lucky next time you buy a pair of jeans.