Which classic Christmas song is your Uni of Leeds hall of residence?

The best part about Christmas is undoubtedly the music. I don't know about you, but I've been playing it non stop since the start of November – hey, once Halloween's over it's perfectly acceptable and I will fight anyone who disagrees. But one question that I'm sure has been bugging you as much as it has me, is "which of these banging Christmas tunes is my Leeds uni hall?"

Don't worry guys, I've got your back. No need to thank me.

Central Village – 'White Christmas', Bing Crosby

A classic it might be, but this song is dull. Sorry Bing Crosby, someone had to say it. And just like anyone who applies for Central Village only to rock up and regret it the second they realise how anti-social everyone is, so does everyone regret putting this song on. It definitely doesn’t get anyone in the Christmas spirit.

Lupton – 'Fairytale of New York', The Pogues

Lupton is grim, and full of scumbags. It’s probably got maggots, and it’s cheap and lousy. And there’s a lot of drunk singing, so what better song to sum it all up nicely this Christmastime?

Liberty Dock – 'Step into Christmas', Elton John

Every single person you ever meet from Lib Dock will try to convince you to come to theirs for pres, despite the fact they live approximately 15879922 miles away. We get it Jeremy, you have a super awesome sound surround thing going on and your flat mate DJ’s, but that doesn’t make up for the taxi ride to the club that will probably cost more than my rent.

Charles Morris – 'All I Want for Christmas is You', Mariah Carey

We all know Mariah Carey is the biggest diva out there – I mean, she got a multi million dollar settlement fee from her ex fiance for literally wasting her time. And let’s not even talk about that interview with Piers Morgan that showed her lounging on a sofa in front of a massive fuck off Christmas tree in November. Mariah Carey is basically the spirit animal of anyone posh enough and rich enough to end up in Charles Morris.

Concept Place – 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day', Wizzard

At least if it was Christmas every day you could be at home every day. But no, instead you have to live in Concept Place for most of the year instead. You definitely murdered someone in a previous life to end up in this place.

Devonshire – 'Santa Baby', Eartha Kitt

People who live in Devonshire don’t say “Santa Baby” when they ask for their Christmas presents, they just say “Daddy please” instead. But you get the idea (they get whatever they want, when they want. Just in case you needed me to spell it out).

Henry Price – 'Last Christmas', Wham!

Last Christmas is all about utter betrayal, something everyone at Henry Price knows a little something about. You can bet almost anyone you meet there would much rather have been in Charles Morris, but they got stuck in it’s more boring sibling anyway. Personally I don’t see the difference – they’re both full of posh twats at the end of the day.

James Baillie – 'Jingle Bell Rock', Bobby Helms

A stereotypical Christmas song is just not good enough for this edgy halls. Not content with the simple elegance of “Jingle Bells”, anyone who lives at James Baillie will tell you how much cooler “Jingle Bell Rock” is cos “it’s just so underrated, you know?” No, I don’t know. Maybe this line would have worked pre-2004, but we live in a post-Mean Girls world. You ask any basic white girl what their fave Christmas song is and I bet this one ranks pretty high. It’s totally predictable and not in the least bit edgy – just like the people who live here.

Leodis – 'It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas', Michael Bublé

Bublé is pretty much of an enigma for most of the year – except Christmastime, when he crawls out of whatever cave he’s been hibernating in and women everywhere start swooning. Just like Leodis (minus the swooning part, obvs), which is dragged out every year ready for the open days and then promptly disappears again. Pretty sure it doesn’t even exist at this point to be honest.

Oxley – 'Do They Know It’s Christmas', Band Aid

People in Oxley are so far away they probably don’t know it’s Christmas yet at all. In fact, I bet with the time difference being that far away it’s probably still June for them. Don’t worry, Bob Geldof is here to help them work it out.