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The phases of clubbing all GU students go through

Four years of booze, chips and gravy

First year

Ah yes, I remember my first pint

You start the night in some random Murano flat you've never met, but heard they were having pres, so why not check it out? After stupid games, copious shots and nudity, you end up on the free Viper bus, chanting your 'here we's …' and befriending the driver. MNH is a haven for first years, unless it's a Thursday or a Saturday, when obviously you're at Hive, debuting your newly choreographed flat dance on the stage. You're in the chippy by 2am (727 obviously) and then it's straight to bed for you. You don't know what a hangover is, and arrive early for your lecture the next day.

Second year

You are the cool kids on the block. You've totally settled in and this year doesn't count. What more to do? You're patching lectures for the billiards and find yourself spending more time in the Beer Bar than bed. But when you're not chinning or asking dad for an extra £50 cause you just rang the bell (legend), you've ventured to town. Heck.

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You can bet your life on having an eyebrow shaved, too

You especially love Bamboo, Kokomo and Shimmy. Identical clubs under different spicy names are your jam. As long as there's easy grafting and cheap drinks, you're in. If you've joined a sports club, then Wednesday nights at Sanctuary are your one true love. Mashed between the rugby boys and the hockey girls, there's nowhere you'd rather be covered in Jäger. Second year will see your drunkest night out and it. will. change. you.

Third year

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After the vicious realisation that sweat pits are meant for greasy creeps and Caley students (not prestigious GU ones), you leave your heels and bodycon dresses behind for tatty trainers, statement trousers and hoop earrings. You can't imagine what life was like before The Art School, SWG3, and those illegal warehouse raves. You've tried some gear, and realise this is what uni's really about. You've also discovered a taste for Buckfast, Mad Dog and Dragon Soop. You will experience hangovers like never before.

Fourth year

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Raise your hands if you're not ready to graduate

You suddenly realise that you're actually meant to be enjoying nights out. You finally find friends you actually want to get smashed with, and you're ready to start liking alcohol too. Perhaps you'll do some real drinking in a pub, buying actual grown-up beverages and enjoying the social experience, not shoving together the last of the Tesco's Own mystery liquid to get absolutely MWI.

But instead of clubs, you'll be spending most of your time at afters (or the library) where the multitude of flashy lights and repetitive techno music will eradicate all sense of time until 10am when you're trying to walk the most inconspicuous way home possible (library hill is not an option). If you do go out, you'll be hanging in wholesome places where you actually enjoy the music – like Mango, Stereo and the Berkeley Suite. Maybe you'll venture to a gig at King Tuts, or even see a band you like at the O2. You've matured but you also really haven't, and sometimes, Viper is the only option.

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Never too old for Viper