These are the best places to poo around Glasgow Uni

Need a number 2 but not sure what to do? Want to take control of your butt hole?

You've spent the whole day turtle-necking in your lectures cause last night's bevs have got your tummy feeling bubbly, and you're too afraid to drop the motherload in public. But never fear – here's our handy guide to make dropping the kids off at the pool more efficient, family friendly and stress-free.

Top stops on campus

The more cubicles the better

Library Level 3 toilets. The more cubicles the better – no one will know it was you. Why poo on L8 where you're sure to be spotted (or worse: heard) when you can slink down to the Green Zone and plop in peace.

John McIntyre building. Warm seats. If that doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, it should make you feel relaxed.

St Andrews' building Level 2. Such a nice place for such an inconvenience.

So much room for activities

Hive disabled toilets. Spacious, quiet and a strong flush. Also conveniently located next to the G12 cafe. Need we say more. The massive mirror makes it equally great for a full skwad selfie when you're there on a night out!

Unisex library loos. The only decent toilet open in the early hours of the morning: perfect if you're on the way back from an afters and know your clenched cheeks will give up before you reach home.

GUU Dining Room loos. Down the corridoor to the left of the doors, this hidden gem is rarely used and a great drunk adventure from Hive.

Techniques (tried + tested)

Yeah I got skills, what you gonna do about it

Make a paper hammock. This involves folding loo roll into the toilet in order to catch the bombs once dropped. No splash-back for you, and noise is significantly reduced. It's a win-win.

Stiff flush? Breathe. Scrunch loo roll up and cover evidence. Pee a little on top. Announce politely to suspecting victim "this loo doesn't flush". Should you have completed steps correctly, they'll believe all you've done an innocent wee.

The Sob-and-Bob. If you identify as a female (yes, we poop too), then this one will work effortlessly for you. All girls need a cry in the loo every so often. Time this with your excretion needs and no one will suspect that you're having a massive smelly dump.

The Stage-Fright Fooler. For all the males out there, use your inability to pee in urinals as an excuse to use a cubicle. All your penis-brained acquaintances will be thinking too much about how small your pecker is, they won't have time to suspect a poo.

The Splash 'n' Cough. For those feeling significantly braver, try timing your poops and your coughs simultaneously, to cover-up any unwanted splooge sounds. NB: practise at home first.

Best of luck in your foecal endeavours!!