I pretended to be posh for a week

Poppin’ bottles of Prosecco


When presented with the challenge to be a posh for a week, I knew it was going to be tough. For those who don’t know me already, let me introduce myself: I’m undoubtedly one of the slobbiest, messiest and most haphazard people you’ll ever meet.

Just enjoying my Tesco value digestives

Just enjoying my Tesco value digestives

However, stereotypically being posh doesn’t just mean being incredibly polite, well-presented and tidy. During one of the hardest (and most expensive) weeks of my life, I found out what other things the non-peasant life had in store for me.

Food shopping

With a plethora of food shops surrounding the Glasgow University campus, I knew I’d have to carefully deliberate and thus choose the creme of the crop. Usually, after a hard day of pretending to listen to my lecturers, I will trudge down to ye olde Tesco Metro and stock up on half price fajita kits and Tesco value vodka (and that’s when you know it’s going to be a BIG night).

This time, I ventured into the holy grail of grocery shops which most of us won’t even step into during our time at university: Marks and Spencer. I had a leisurely perusal of the aisles and left with steaks, coconut water (that stuff is EXPENSIVE) and a range of their completely over-priced vegetables and fruit. It was only after I arrived back at my flat I thought to myself: “Good golly, why did I just go shopping like a commoner?” and proceeded to open my top-of-the-range 2015 Macbook Pro to order food straight to my door.

Does this look out of place in my kitchen?

Does this look out of place in my kitchen?

Travel

When one is posh, one cannot afford (metaphorically, of course – dahling, I have the money to afford EVERYTHING) to ruin a Louboutin boot as one steps outside into Glaswegian weather. Therefore, I ended up calling taxis to my lectures. And when I say “taxis”, I don’t mean your runt-of-the-litter Network Private Hire. I mean your classy ‘n’ sassy Glasgow Taxis black cabs. And when I say “to my lectures”, I mean I got in said taxi and was transported the 0.5 centimetres I live from my morning lecture in the Charles Wilson building. I have no regrets.

Eating out

Parting from two-for-one Ketchup deals and Greggs steak bakes proved to be very tough. However, I donned my just-out-of-boarding-school attire, picked up my rose-gold iPhone 6S and booked a table at the infamous Ubiquitous Chip on Ashton Lane.

My palette had never felt so alive. I was even so ostentatious as to order a glass of red wine. The most difficult part of the whole charade was to eat in a posh manner. How does one eat with one’s mouth closed while constantly dabbing at one’s mouth with one’s crisp white table napkin?

Nights out

We all know Glasgow isn’t exactly the poshest place on Earth for a night out. If I were to really milk this charade I would have gone to the Corinthian, but it’s one challenge trying to act posh and another trying to convince yourself you have enough money to act posh. Also, a certain instinct tells me my flatmates wouldn’t have been keen to replace their beloved Viper and Hive nights out with a champagne-drinking, cocktail-dresses-or-die occasion.

Instead, I brought the posh to the student night out. That’s right: prosecco (albeit costing a fiver) all night, baby. Unfortunately, somehow I didn’t feel so posh when the inevitable prosecco-induced hangover hit the next day and I had to nurse my head with a baked-bean-stained rag I found in the kitchen.

Ballin'

Ballin’

Outfits

Undoubtably the toughest part of living the posh life. I’m cursed with a rare syndrome: “I-Can’t-Get-Out-Of-Bed-In-Time-To-Make-Myself-Look-Like-A-Human-Being”. Therefore, I usually rock up to my 10am lecture in the same high-street jeans I’ve worn consecutively for two weeks, my used-to-be-clean Glasgow University Nike pullover (did you not KNOW I was part of a club?) and Primark boots which may or may not have holes in them.

I had to summon all my inner knowledge about non-peasant fashion and all my posh person enthusiasm to try and dress like my dad owns two Mercedes and my mum got me a labradoodle for my birthday.

I felt as awkward as I looked

I felt as awkward as I looked

Well, all I can say is I tried. I may have cheated a little: you’re out of your mind if you think I possess the brashness (or the organisational skills) to go to all my lectures looking like an extra out of St Trinian’s. Plus, the Marks and Sparks trips, Prosecco drinking and fine dining were all proving a bit too expensive for my student bank balance. Oh, to have a trust fund.

What's Primark?

What’s Primark?

Ultimately, one can conclude one would much rather be a commoner for a week. Now excuse me while I change back into my out-of-shape jeans, frolic between my threadbare sheets and order a greasy Domino’s.