Meet the Squash team

Their motto is ‘balls to the wall’ in Latin

Glasgow University Squash Team are like a big share bag of Starbursts: bursting with life, love and laughter which seeps slowly and deeply into the veins of whomever they come into contact with.

After spending an hour with these guys, I want to be a part of the Squash Team.



Calum Brown, 18, second year, Mechanical Engineering


What’s your funniest Squash team moment?

My 18th Birthday last year. It was in December and we had been out the night before causing chaos in the QMU. The next morning I phoned Josh and told him there was no way I would be making it out for my 18th. He told me to stop being such a bitch and get ready.

So we got on it, and I decided the best way to recover would be doing a vodka shot with each one of my twelve Murano flat mates at the time, and then several more with Dan and Jessie. After sixteen vodka shots, Rebecca turned up and it all went black really.

Apparently I put someone’s flat mate in a trolley and was pushing her around the flat, proud as punch. Then, on the way to Viper, I insisted on paying for all the girls’ entrance fees. In my moment of excitement, I ran ahead of the group, clocked a lamppost and proceeded to charge straight into it.

I woke up the next morning feeling pretty broken.

Ross Simpson, 21, fourth year, Aerospace Engineering


Ross became treasurer by bribing the entire team with home-made fudge (a Nigella recipe of course, with a sweet surprise of popping candy on top).

Move aside bitches, the  Mary Berry of Squash has arrived.

What’s your favourite memory from Squash?

At the end of exams in May, there’s a huge squash tournament called “Mayhem” which takes place in Edinburgh every year. My favourite memory is Calum, after buckets of jaeger, getting close with this girl who stole his bandana (she obviously wanted the D) and him chasing her around the club to eventually get a pull.

During a Justin Timberlake number later on in the evening, Calum pulled a fit blonde girl, who just happened to be best mates with the bandana thief.


Another fun memory from Mahem, was Calum and Dan carrying home Struan (who is 6’4″) after four jaeger buckets and him shitting everywhere in the hostel. The toilet was a wreck, chips and cheese everywhere and blocked to the brim full of piss and shit.

We made a pretty quick exit from the hostel the following morning.

Rebecca Baird, 20, Dentistry


What’s the best thing about being a member of the Squash team?

The social aspects are definitely my favourite part. We all get on great and get to hit the pub every Friday night after training which is always a lot of fun.

Josh O’Donovan, 22, fifth year, MA Forensic Toxicology, Ex-Captain


What’s your favourite thing about being in the Squash team?

The best thing about being a part of the Squash team, is that after every session we can all go to the pub for free food. It’s all in good fun really, we’re like one big family.

What’s your most embarrassing story from Squash?

One day, we decided to go to the QMU, and I was feeling in a record-breaking mood. My current record of messy bombs was 25, and I managed to reach 27 by the end of this night. I decided to walk Rebecca home to Murano, because I’m an absolute gent, but I obviously had a lot of carnage going on in my stomach at the time. On St. Andrews bridge it all got a bit too much and I told Rebecca to carry on walking, she turned around and all I could do was scream “DON’T LOOK AT ME!”, while spewing everywhere.

I currently hold the record for most spews in the Squash team.

Simon Jefferys, 21, fourth year, Physics, Captain


Simon’s favourite thing about being Captain is that Josh isn’t.

Why should people join the Squash team?

Well, Calum gets most of the Freshers in when we put him and his smoulder on display at the Freshers’ Fair, but there’s loads of reasons to join our team. We have 75 members, and the team has a really relaxed environment: we just have a laugh really. The most important part of being in the Squash Team is the end of exams Squash Tournament, “Mayhem”. It involves lots of drinking and playing a bit of Squash in between too.

What’s your most embarrassing story from the past few years in Squash?

It’s got to be Mayhem two years ago.

Josh: “Our Captain Simon was in love with this girl and saw another boy with her, so decided to down his pint, rip open his t-shirt, scratch his chest like Bruce Lee and shout: “What do Finnish people even do anyway?” and fly-kicked him.

“The night ended with Simon spewing all over the shower.”


Can you show me your fly kick?

Pauline Ham, 21, fourth year Erasmus, Engineering


What’s the best thing about being a member of the Squash team?

You can play any time and everyone in the team looks out for each other. In my second week of being in the club, I’d just been dumped by my boyfriend and I got so drunk one night but the team took such great care of me and walked me home.  Everyone is so nice and welcoming and I always look forward to seeing everyone.


Daniel Stuart, 20, third year, Physics with Astrophysics


What’s the best part of being a member of the Squash team?

All the fun we have. We all love squash and we all love to party. I’ve learned from Squash that I can ride and lock up my bike best when I’m absolutely steaming on the way home from a night out with the team.

Sean Westwood, 19, first year, Psychology


Sean is one of the Coaches for squash, and has been playing for twelve years. According to Rebecca: “He’s an all round top lad”.

What’s your favourite part of being a member of the Squash team?

Obviously, the banter. There’s a great atmosphere at training and we get to play loads of squash too.

Cameron, 18, first year, Economics and History


What’s your favourite thing about being part of the Squash team?

Josh’s chat. The socials are good fun too.

What’s your funniest memory of Squash so far?

I lost to a 63-year-old man who had just gotten hip replacement. I had pretty mixed emotions I guess.


How could you not want to join Glasgow University Squash Team after meeting all these lovely humans? Basically, If you enjoy getting shit-faced – so shit-faced in fact that you shit uncontrollably everywhere – then this is the team for you.