A local guide to picking up

Picking up can be a huge ball ache.

Moving to Glasgow holds a number of challenges, meeting new people, studying at a higher level and finding your way in a new city.

One challenge I’d not expected was trying to find a person who I could regularly pick up off, without being shorthanded, robbed or beaten up.

As it turns out it wasn’t so much the dealers that were the problem, unsurprisingly, it was my own awkward self.

So when picking up, feel free to follow this guide on how not to be an absolute loser.

Your dealer is not your friend

Don’t linger or try to hang around with your dealer when you’re picking up – it’s weird.

It’s going to be a nightmare getting to a lecture after a three day bender on the southside.

You can’t ford to go to subby with your new pal every night of the week either.

No matter how much the eccies are making you in love with everything from Spital & Norwiki to the geezer who sold you them.

20 bag with the beautiful backdrop of murano

Nothing ruins the moment like awkward conversations with a dealer. You both lose your mysterious, dangerous edge that makes drug dealing so cool, and you realise that both of you don’t really know what you’re doing.

Yes, university is for making new friends, but this just isn’t appropriate.

Act casual

Don’t try and be cool with what you think to be a gangster handshake during the exchange, you are not part of Wu Tang Clan or the A$AP Mob and you are not from the hood (this is more of a reminder for myself than anyone else).

You are not dope and you never will be

They will not respect you anymore for it; if anything their respect will decrease and you will look like an utter fool.

Middle class English kids putting on a Scottish accent are the worst.

Bad Grampa 

Your dealer might look old enough to have a free bus pass but it’s not a cue to start asking why they’ve got into the business at their age.

And don’t mention how you couldn’t imagine your own grandparent shottin’ bud.

Its never going to lead to a good outcome however nice they are, or however much they remind you of Mary Berry.

This is Glasgow swell, you may find out the guy who you thought was 40 is just about to take his highers.

Look at that face, you would ask questions too.

Know your lingo

You need to know what you’re asking for to avoid the dreaded awkwardness.

Especially as every city has it’s own terminology,

If you’ve heard of a certain ice cream van around some halls of residence you might’ve also heard that it is another place you can pick up from.

But if you are going to do this don’t mumble when you ask if they “have anything extra”. Be confident, and if they reply with “do you want any sprinkles?”

Maybe say yes and see what you get.

Instead of myself who was so concerned with actually getting unwanted sprinkles on a 99 that the pickup was unsuccessful – or successful, depending on how fond you are of 99s.

So much action

Eventually you’ll find someone who is reliable and consistent and who doesn’t think you’re a complete idiot, maybe.

Don’t believe all you read

If you  believe that a guy on a permo is going to sell you ‘dizz with no come down’ you’re falling for the oldest trick in the book.

Know your Bonnie Prince Charlie from your Eccies.

But don’t buy into your dealers shit.

Even if they text you like Dominos

And if all else fails just hang around the sub club toilets until you succeed.