What do your selfies really say about you?
The hidden messages behind your Snapchats and Instagrams revealed
However annoying The Chainsmokers’ #SELFIE song may be, I think we can all admit that there may be a few lyrics in there which are not entirely untrue.
And as we apparently spend 753 hours of our lives taking selfies – a fact I read in Glamour magazine, so it must be true – it seems only right that we should have perfected a range of poses by now to suit every occasion.
An Angelina Jolie-wannabee, you have spent hours in front of the mirror perfecting your sexy face, and your lipstick collection matches a Dulux colour chart.
You know you’re looking dayum fine this evening and that any guy would be lucky to have you. Lips at the ready, boys.
Those braces you suffered when you were 13 have finally paid off, and you want everyone to know about it.
Your standard pose always mirrors the dog in the Dentastix advert, and if people can’t see your molars then it’s not a photo worth keeping.
You aspire, one day, to become a car salesman or UKIP politician where you can really use that winning smile to your advantage.
The Peace Sign
Well, aren’t you just the coolest? Part eco-warrior, part rockstar, you want everyone to know how awesome you are.
Expect these posers to think themselves the edgiest, most hipster kids at any party – even though they most definitely are not.
Life is good and your mission is to clarify this fact to everyone. You could have written a happy hashtag, you could have opted for the cheesy open mouth smile, but you’ve gone for the classic double thumbs up – just so there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that you are loving life.
Thumbs-uppers are renowned for being the best kind of happy drunks, the ones who are overly-enthusiastic about everything, from chatting to a randomer in the queue to being offered a cheesy chip on the way home.
The Club Face
This classic clubbing selfie is destined to pop-up on your timeline every Sunday morning.
The angle has been especially chosen to emphasis the subject’s finest assets, showing they have advanced knowledge of both mathematics and photography.
They will also probably have a Snapchat score of at least 20,000 and know everything there is to know about Instagram filters, ‘smizing’ (smiling with your eyes, duh) and sideys.
This type of selfie-er is not blessed with the greatest levels of self-confidence in the world, but instead chooses to adopt a far more modest approach.
They are likely to avoid the camera at all costs, employing some of the most skilful and athletic moves to do so, including the Duck Under Table manoeuver and the popular Using Another Tall Person As A Human Shield technique.
Probably afraid of the dark, leaving the house and unnecessary human interaction, The Hideaway is a delicate blossom who should be treated gently at all times.
The Tongue Face
The joker of the group, The Tongue-Facer adopts a stance which reveals their fun-loving, cheeky personality.
Disregarding the commonly asserted rule that a photo of one’s tongue is only acceptable following a piercing and/or consumption of a slush-puppy, this selfie-er loves to stick it out at any given occasion, a skill which is possibly not just restricted to the photography world.
Advanced Tongue-Facers choose to capture more advanced positions, such as the Tongue Curl, the Clover and the Nose Touch.
This poser is deep. Probably pondering the meaning of life or a great ethical dilemma, they have no time to smile for the camera.
Normal photography etiquette does not apply to them, with their Instagram account being designed to capture the inner workings of their complex mind, with a range of thought-provoking and insightful images.
The Prop Master
Nothing reveals those years of scout training more than the use of props in a photo.
These selfies show someone who is clearly a quick thinker and fast on their feet, being able to find the perfect accessory quicker than the closing of a lens.
Got that spot that just won’t go away? No worries, wearing a bin on your head is blatantly the perfect solution.
If you ever need help in a crisis, look no further than the Prop Master.
Forget selfies, this photo screams Master of the Uglie, the craze which stuck it’s finger to the man and rebelled against society’s obsession of looking nothing less than 100% perfect in every photo.
You need to make friends with people like this: not only are they cool just for being anti-establishment, but they’ll also make you look amazing in every photo you’re in with them. All you have to do is ensure you only have one chin.
Embarrassed by their group of friends? Unimpressed with the One Direction being played? The Disgust-ers want you to know it.
The pose alerts everyone to the fact that they are way cooler than the party they’re at, but instead of leaving they’re just gonna spend the night Snapchatting you instead.
The Lucy Watson of the group, these selfie-takers are probably the type to say what they see and spare nobody’s feelings in the process.
If you want to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, this is the person to ask.
The Open Mouth
The Open Mouth is a pose currently being favoured by more and more of the population, especially the female half.
It offers the benefits of both The Pout and The Thumbs Up, showing the world you’re having a great time, whilst also accentuating those cheek bones.
These type of girls are clearly up to date with all the latest trends, so expect them to always be one-step ahead of the game.
Resourceful and full of initiative, The Open Mouth-ers are far too busy getting ahead of the masses to be as dirty as their name suggests.