Horsing around in the kitchen

We know you must be spooked by the unbridled disaster that is cheap meat – the ‘beef’ we’ve all been chomping on was actually phoney… in that it was someone’s little pony.

We’ve tried to help you make the adjustment by giving you some great recipes, but we take no responsibility if they give you the trots.

Serves 4.

1 large onion, 1 large red pepper, 2 peeled garlic cloves, 1 tsp hot chilli powder, 1 tsp paprika, 2 tbsp tomato purée, 1 beef stock cube, 400g can of chopped tomatoes, 410g can of kidney beans, 500g of “beef”.

Chop the vegetables up. Cook the onion until its soft. Chuck in the pepper, garlic, chilli powder and paprika.

Leave it to cook for about 5 mins on a medium heat and then whack in your 500g of pony and brown it all over.

Mix your stock cube with boiling water and add to the pot, along with the tomatoes (canned and purée).

Bring it to boil, then turn the heat down to simmer and leave that horse to cook in its own sweet time (about 20 minutes). Horses love kidney beans, so don’t deny it that final pleasure.

Drain them and whack them in. Let it cook for another 20 minutes, stirring occasionally, and whoa nelly, there’s your delicious horse chilli.

Serves 6 people, or 4 people who could eat a horse.

6 rashers of bacon, 2 large onions, 2 garlic cloves, 2 carrots, 800g of canned tomatoes, 2 tsp of mixed herbs, 1 tsp of oregano, a sprinkle-worth of salt and pepper, 500g of the best quality minced stallion you can find, 400-500g of spaghetti.

Chop up the bacon, carrots, onions and garlic. Cook the bacon until golden, add in the veg and cook until slightly soft. Stir in the stallion until brown.

Add the tomatoes and then refill one of the cans with water and pour that in. Add in the herbs… horses love herbs.

Bring to the boil and then simmer for one hour, stirring occasionally. About 15 minutes before the end, boil some water and cook the pasta.

Serves 6.

1 large onion, 2 cloves of garlic, 1 free range egg, half a cup of breadcrumbs, 1 tbsp mixed herbs, 900g horse/beef.

Chop and then cook the garlic and onion until soft, and then allow to cool. Mix the mince, breadcrumbs, egg, onion, garlic and herbs in a bowl and then shape the mix into balls (approx the size of ping pong balls, as opposed to actual horse balls). Fry them on a medium heat for about 15 minutes.

Now that this article has run its course, we’ll rein in these puns.