How To… Escape A Shark Attack

It’s your average Wednesday Timepiece, or ritual Thursday Arena. You’re up for a girl’s night of tequila, bad photos and a giggle. Little do you know that the second you place one 5 inch heeled shoe into that club you have entered a dark and dangerous sea. The hunt is on, so ladies, if you want to survive a shark attack, keep on reading.

I myself have encountered many an attack, but they were most numerous in my fresher days on an infamous Rococo’s Thursday. Seeing as the dance floor is often packed to the limit it is the perfect environment for a shark to strike. It normally begins with some pretty intoxicated guy trying to catch your eye on the dance floor. Obviously, this is could be perfectly innocent but when said guy suddenly swims his way past competitors to start grinding up against you with not so much as a ‘hi’– the attack has begun.

In this case a classic ‘wide-crazy eyes’ and or even silently mouthing “HELP” to your nearby friends should do the trick. He may be a ‘LAD’ out on the pull, sharking for some ‘fit bird’, but even still, the best way to get out of the sharks grinding grip is to keep a girl friend near on the dance floor at ALL times. This also saves humiliating the guy as you can just jump out of his hold and say you want to dance with your girls tonight. Hopefully, he should swim away (possibly with his tail between his legs) and that should be the end of it.

However, in other territories such as Arena and Timepiece, sharks can be a bit more persistent and you might have to change your tactics. If it’s a Timepiece Wednesday then bets are there are going to be a LOT of drunken guys on socials with the ultimate prize of a girl to take home. Unfortunately, this added pressure can make sharks attacks more frequent and not so easily fended off. ‘I have a boyfriend’/’I’m a lesbian’ aren’t overly original lines but they can help you out of a sticky situation. There is also the option of just walking/dancing away (unless of course, the dance floor is so packed you can’t move!) You could always take the not-so-feminist approach and just put a few more clothes on. Remember, it’s either legs or boobs on show, not both! What would your mothers think?

To sum up, here are a few survival tips:

1. Always keep girl friends close at hand

2. Don’t humiliate or belittle the guy, he’s probably really nice and just wanted a cheeky snog.

3. Excuses, excuses! Have some one-liners prepared for a quick get-away.

4. Know your escape route for a speedy exit if needed.

5. Keep it covered! Also saves for any possible nip slips over the night.