MyExeter Gone Bad

Picture the scene. A heavy all-nighter in the library before that 12 noon deadline the following day, the hours glued to page upon page of endless nonsense have finally become too much to bear. You leave your desk for a quick cup of tea or for a chat with your mates upstairs, but a fatal error of the technological age has just occurred.

“Frape” was so 2000 and late; the tabs of online journals on ELE are now much more sinister. The Drop can now bring you the new phenomenon sweeping across Exeter. The creative minds amongst us see a friend’s unguarded laptop as the chance for so much more than to add every Joe Bloggs in the world, switch to the dreaded Timeline, or even express desires for alternative sexual experimentation.

Instead, the University’s online portal is the Coliseum for the most creative form of online humiliation to date; “Frape” has now become “Portal Penetration”. We bring you one of the more ‘elaborate’ E-mails addressed to the students of Exeter, and show improvisation at its very best.

The following was addressed to every Psychology Undergraduate, Postgrad, Administrator and Lecturer.

“Evening all!”

“Sorry to bother you but desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“My name is Ben and I’m looking for 3 tenants. I am a first year Psychology student at Exeter University. There is some more information about the flat below.”

“The flat (Maisonette) is located in the centre of Dawlish (about 12 miles from Exeter) – it’s about a 20-30 min train ride into Exeter St David’s train station then a very short walk to Exeter Uni. I have a car as well so may be able to pay for fuel together and drive in. Anyway there is a washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, central heating, wireless internet, etc.”

“There are 4 rooms in total (all have locks) with 3 available and 2 bathrooms with 1 shower and 1 bath. There is a toilet and basin in both bathrooms. It's about a 6 minute walk to the train, bus, and the beach. A 2 minute walk or less to shops, takeaways, pubs, etc. The 2 similar sized bedrooms are £300 a month and the 1 smaller bedroom is £275 a month. Rent INCLUDES all
bills.”

“I will be living in 1 of the bedrooms. I have 300kg + of weights, a bench etc. for any interested in that sort of thing not to sell but to use haha. I also like drawing so if you are female you may be asked to pose nude from time to time… in an artistic way of course! :-D”

“ This may or may not be of interest to you but I’m sure you will gradually get used to nudity as I do often walk around in the nude and randomly pose from time to time… favourite poses include the “thinking man” and “Usain Bolt pose” (he stole from me!). No no I don’t really that was joke! Well… I do pose from time to time but I don’t OFTEN walk around naked hahaha . No really I won’t walk around naked, there will be none of that! Don't worry!”

“Anyway… that has probably scared off all the potential female tenants! But to be serious I’m originally from Zimbabwe and have been living in the UK for 10 years now; I’m a reasonably quiet person who keeps to himself so you won’t have to worry about being harassed or irritated by me, although this message has probably irritated a few haha.”

“Anyway for all those who are brave, courageous and possibly / probably desperate to find a place out there, you can contact me on 0123456789 to arrange a time to check the place out if you are interested ;-)”

“Ps. If you want to see some photos of the place, I can send you a few by email.”

The Drop would also like to hear more of these humorous goings on and publish them in the public domain; if you hear of any more “Portal Penetration”, please message [email protected].