The seven types of plant every Edi student has
You had me at aloe
Ah the joys of plant parenthood. Whilst some have the natural gift of a green thumb the rest of us have to make do with the spiralling realisation that the only reason our potted plant is still alive is because it’s made out of plastic.
Here’s a deep dig into the seven plant every Edi student owns, attempted to keep alive, or just marvelled at over their time at uni. I can guarantee thistle be the best thing you read today.
With your Ikea cart filled to the brim with fairy lights and storage boxes, you spot the humble three pack of cacti out of the corner of your eye. From perching on top of your cart to being later clutched in your hands as you make your way up the motorway, they’re yours.
Inevitably you leave one at home, one falls out when unpacking, but one remains. This spiky pal will be forever by your side, unwatered all but once for four years. If nuclear war were ever to strike the resilient cacti and JMCC’s Yorkshire puddings would be all that’s left.
The plant fair one
Fuelled by your sudden yearning to become a green fingered guru, you head off to the yearly plant fair. The plant you choose is irrelevant, its fate has already been decided. No matter how you care for your plant it will always end up dead.
Whether you accidentally watered it with vodka or mistakenly left your flatmates to care for it in your absence eventually the plant fair one will always leave you. Silver linings, you can go back next year to replace the plant shaped hole in your heart.
Deceived by a simple Google search you head into the local Tesco in search of your new culinary companion. Dreams of a future filled with dainty basil leaves placed on top of pre-made pizzas. Whether it be coriander, basil, rosemary or parsley you pop it onto a windowsill, and hope for the best.
At this point there is nothing more you can do, the plant has already decided its fate. Either, after a week the leaves will never regrow and it will sadly whither and die, or it will become a new lifeform, leaves regrowing as soon as they are picked, eventually taking over the flat and refusing to pay rent.
Even if you only spend the time on this plant that we have all spent in the Big Cheese this semester, it will still flourish. Guaranteed to perk up the backgrounds of any zoom lecture it is perfect for those of us who still struggle to remember their student number, let alone water a plant. Think of the succulent as the cacti’s cooler younger sibling.
The bathroom one
Looking over the mouldy and peeling wallpapered interior of your four person shared bathroom, thoughts of asbestos enter your mind. Whilst your landlord won’t let you remodel the bathroom you can buy yourself a bathroom plant, which is essentially the same thing.
Yes, no doubt this humble plant will make your bathroom look like something out of Pinterest and purify the air to Himalayan qualities. Alas, disaster strikes when the plant is knocked over and soil spills all over the floor. Still, at least its taken the attention off the walls.
The fake one
Whether after a week or three years we all eventually realise that some of us are cut out for the plant life and some of us are not. Fuelled by jealousy of your flatmates rapidly growing collection of lush, healthy plants you must take desperate measures.
Under the cover of darkness you sneak into Sainsbury’s before closing time, praying nobody sees you. You hide a few fake plants under some lettuce and make a dash for the self checkout. Guilt fills your emotions as your friends compliment your plant, your roomate asks what plant feed you’re using and you mutter something under your breath before pretending you have a lecture to get to. Finally a plant that will forever remain shiny and alive, but at what cost?
The ceramic one
And for those who lean more towards the abstract, what could be more perfect than a ceramic plant? What could be better than a plant that doesn’t even pretend to be a plant? These scream urbane, sophisticated vibes and no doubt the owner of such ‘plants’ only buys bottled San Pelligrino and is the type of person who provides a charcuterie board at Marchmont parties.